SALEM, OR — Concerned that the ancient, rugged art of axe throwing may be promoting toxic masculinity, Oregon Democrats have introduced a bold new bill that would ban the practice statewide and replace it with something more emotionally enriching: the Safe Space Rubber Dart Toss.
House Bill 1147, officially titled the "Weaponized Masculinity Reduction and Soft Impact Recreation Act," aims to phase out all axe throwing venues by 2026 and convert them into mindfulness-forward dart lounges. These venues will feature foam-padded walls, organic herbal tea stations, and gentle harp music playing on loop.
“Axe throwing encourages aggression, splinters, and—worst of all—confidence,” said Rep. Sage Moonwater (D-Portland), as she gently placed a sage bundle on the podium and lit it mid-hearing. “It’s time we transition from toxic tools of patriarchy to the soft embrace of rubber-based conflict resolution.”
Each rubber dart will be made from 100% sustainable vegan rubber, harvested from naturally fallen latex trees by cooperative-run collectives in Nicaragua. Before tossing a dart, participants must first engage in a brief grounding exercise, verbally acknowledge their privilege, and journal how the target makes them feel.
“Axes have been historically used by lumberjacks, warriors, and other deeply problematic figures,” said Sen. Skye Rain (they/them, Eugene). “In contrast, rubber darts foster a non-hierarchical experience of communal aim.”
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A spokesperson for the Oregon Axe Throwing Association expressed concern. “So we can’t even pretend to be Vikings anymore?” he asked, wearing flannel and sipping from a mug labeled “Real Men Chop Wood.” “What am I supposed to do with all this beard oil?”
Under the proposed law, noncompliance could result in mandatory sensitivity training and confiscation of all flannel shirts exceeding the state’s new Plaid Regulation Index.
Governor Tina Kotek has not commented directly but was seen touring a local Safe Space Dart Lounge, nodding solemnly as a staffer hit a foam bullseye and whispered, “That was brave.”
At press time, Oregon was reportedly considering a follow-up bill to replace lumberjack competitions with interpretive dance chainsaw ceremonies.
