City of Corvallis Now Requires At Least Four Pronouns to Enter City Limits

by | Apr 22, 2025 | News, Satire

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CORVALLIS, OR — In a bold step toward what city leaders are calling “radical inclusion,” Corvallis has officially declared itself a sanctuary city for gender-diverse individuals — and with it, implemented a new entry requirement: visitors must now present at least four pronouns to legally enter city limits.

The announcement comes after a unanimous City Council vote solidifying Corvallis as a refuge for “transgender, intersex, nonbinary, and gender-diverse people,” a move hailed by supporters as a progressive milestone and by confused delivery drivers as “a logistical nightmare.”

“Let’s be clear,” said a visibly emotional councilmember during the announcement, “this isn’t just about tolerance — it’s about giving each person the freedom to be as plural as they feel inside. Four pronouns is a baseline. Five is celebrated. Six or more and you qualify for express lane service at City Hall.”

According to the ordinance, acceptable pronoun combinations include classics like “they/them/theirs/themself,” trendy neo-pronouns like “xe/xir/xyrs/xemself,” and DIY options such as “blip/blorp/blips/blorpself,” which was added to accommodate the local furry academic community.

To ensure compliance, highway signs now greet travelers with:
“Welcome to Corvallis: Declare Your Pronouns or Turn Back.”
Those unable to provide four or more are gently redirected to Albany, where the only requirement is being mad at Corvallis.

Local residents have adapted quickly. One barista at a downtown coffee shop was seen wearing a nametag that read:
“Hi! My name is Moss (they/them/it/ambient/gloam)”
— a label that reportedly changed twice during the customer's order.

Critics say the measure is performative and could lead to confusion, but city officials pushed back. “You think it's confusing now?” said one councilmember. “Just wait until we roll out Phase Two: Gender-Neutral Parking Meters and Emotional Support Crosswalks.”

At press time, city staff were seen working on a new public restroom policy that will eliminate traditional signage in favor of interpretive dance performances indicating which stall to use.


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Written By Tyler James

Tyler James, founder of That Oregon Life, is a true Oregon native whose love for his state runs deep. Since the inception of the blog in 2013, his unbridled passion for outdoor adventures and the natural beauty of Oregon has been the cornerstone of his work. As a father to two beautiful children, Tyler is always in pursuit of new experiences to enrich his family’s life. He curates content that not only reflects his adventures but also encourages others to set out and create precious memories in the majestic landscapes of Oregon. Tyler's vision and guidance are integral to his role as publisher and editor, shaping the blog into a source of inspiration for exploring the wonders of Oregon.

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