CANNON BEACH, Ore. – In what wildlife officials are calling “a majestic act of nature,” a tufted puffin at Cannon Beach reportedly took a perfectly aimed, suspiciously intentional poo directly onto the head of an unsuspecting tourist from Des Moines.
Witnesses say the event occurred just after noon near Haystack Rock, where throngs of visitors had gathered to marvel at Oregon’s beloved seabirds. The puffin, known by locals as Peter the Puffin, reportedly hovered with eerie precision above the crowd before releasing its feathery payload.
“I thought it was just a warm raindrop,” said victim Mark Henson, 47, as he stood wiping his bald spot with a souvenir t-shirt that previously read ‘I ❤️ Puffins’. “But then I smelled it. That puffin ruined both my shirt and my innocence.”
Park rangers responded promptly, offering Mr. Henson a complimentary “I Got Doodoo’d at Cannon Beach” bumper sticker and a wet wipe imported directly from Tillamook.
“This is puffin territory,” said Ranger Deb Murphy, holding a laminated copy of the Oregon Coast Bird Truce Agreement of 1978. “If you’re within 50 feet of a nesting tuftie, you’re basically in a no-fly zone for your dignity.”
Social media erupted following the event, with the hashtag #PoofinPuffin trending regionally. Birdwatchers defended the avian sniper, praising the puffin’s form and trajectory. “That arc was incredible,” tweeted @BirbFan42. “9.8/10. Would get splatted again.”
Experts say puffins are typically shy and reserved, though every spring a few develop what’s known in the ornithological community as "elevated sass." Peter the Puffin, already under informal investigation for dive-bombing a Girl Scout cookie stand last year, has now been labeled a “feathered menace” by multiple Yelp reviews.
Despite the mess, Henson says he’s taking it all in stride. “Honestly,” he said, “It’s the most personal experience I’ve had with nature. And now I’ll always remember Cannon Beach… and that puffin’s cold, beady eyes.”
As of press time, Peter the Puffin was reportedly perched smugly on a rock, staring down at another group of tourists, digestive system at the ready.
