SPRINGFIELD, OREGON—Local residents can finally breathe a sigh of relief as city officials have approved the construction of two brand-new car washes, bringing the city’s already impressive total to way too many. With this latest addition, locals will have even more opportunities to spend a small fortune on a service that nature occasionally provides for free.
“We heard the community loud and clear,” said an unnamed city official, who definitely didn't check to see if anyone actually asked for this. “Springfield was facing a serious crisis—where would residents go when they needed to pay $25 for a basic rinse and a ‘free’ vacuum that barely works? We knew we had to act.”
Despite the city’s existing 14 car washes (which, for context, is still somehow fewer than the number of Dutch Bros locations), developers insist that these new facilities will meet an urgent, imaginary demand. Sources confirm that when surveyed about what Springfield needed most, residents overwhelmingly answered affordable housing, grocery stores, and road repairs—but the developers assured everyone that two more overpriced car washes were actually what they meant.
Longtime Springfield resident Mike Reynolds was ecstatic about the news. “Oh yeah, I’m so excited,” he said, beaming. “I was just telling my wife the other day, ‘You know what this town really needs? More places to get a car wash!’ I mean, it’s just so convenient—now I won’t have to drive more than three minutes in any direction to get my truck cleaned. It’s about time we got some real solutions in this town!”
Local businesses, however, are growing concerned. “We were really hoping for another hardware store or maybe a decent sit-down restaurant,” said Carrie Thompson, owner of a nearby shop. “But sure, another overpriced car wash. That makes sense.”
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In a shocking turn of events, developers also confirmed that both new car washes will offer the exact same services as the existing ones, ensuring no variety beyond which location will drain your bank account the fastest.
City leaders are already looking ahead, with rumors circulating that Springfield may soon welcome even more wildly unnecessary businesses, including a 15th vape shop, another mattress store, and an artisanal rock-painting boutique.
Until then, residents can rejoice—because if there’s one thing Springfield truly needed, it was definitely two more overpriced car washes.
