Faced with an unprecedented rise in crime, Portland’s City Council has taken decisive action—by officially decriminalizing all crime. In a unanimous vote on Tuesday night, officials opted to remove all criminal penalties from the books, arguing that traditional laws were “exacerbating systemic inequities” and “unfairly targeting marginalized criminals.”

Under the new “Restorative Criminal Justice Initiative,” residents are encouraged to engage in “meaningful dialogue” with perpetrators rather than resorting to outdated methods like calling the police. To aid in this transition, the city has distributed a taxpayer-funded pamphlet titled How to Respectfully Request That You Not Be Mugged, offering suggested de-escalation phrases such as:

• “I acknowledge your personal journey, but I would prefer to keep my wallet.”
• “I hear you, I see you, and I kindly ask that you not stab me.”
• “Would you consider alternative methods of self-expression that don’t involve grand theft auto?”

Mayor Keith Wilson celebrated the historic decision, saying, “For too long, Portland has demonized those who engage in activities traditionally classified as ‘crime.’ We believe in a more compassionate approach—one that replaces outdated ideas of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ with open conversations and mutual understanding.”

A Utopian Experiment?

The policy shift has already led to immediate changes in the city. Local police officers—now referred to as “Community Encouragement Ambassadors”—have been reassigned to “observe and validate” criminal activities instead of interfering. With all crime now technically legal, officers have been let go in droves, leading to a record number of ex-cops forming support groups, reminiscing about the days when their job involved something more than nodding approvingly at a carjacking in progress.

One officer, now working as a professional bystander, admitted, “At first, it was tough. You train for years to protect and serve, and now my job description is to stand by and clap politely when someone breaks into a store. But hey, at least I don’t have to deal with paperwork anymore.”

Meanwhile, some residents are struggling with the adjustment. One Portland man, Jeff Daniels, attempted to de-escalate a burglary in progress at his home. “I walked in, and this guy was in my living room loading my TV into a shopping cart. I gently explained that I’d prefer if he didn’t take it, and he responded by asking if I was interested in buying it back at a fair price.”

The new approach has also affected local businesses. A downtown clothing boutique known for its sustainable fashion has stopped charging customers altogether, citing fears that expecting people to pay for goods would be considered “an act of financial aggression.” The owner, who asked to remain anonymous for safety reasons, stated, “We just let people take what they need. It’s honestly kind of freeing… but I am also homeless now.”

The 7-Eleven Guy Who Just Gave In

Not everyone is upset about the changes. In fact, one 7-Eleven owner, Raj Patel, has done a complete 180 on crime. “At first, I was really angry. Every day, someone was robbing my store. But then I thought—why fight it? So now, whenever someone runs in demanding money, I give them a high-five, a free Slurpee, and a pat on the back. Sometimes, they even rob me less aggressively, like we’re old friends.”

Patel has turned his experience into a mindfulness journey. “I used to get so stressed about profit and loss. But now? I’ve learned to live in the moment. Some mornings, I wake up, open the store, and wonder how many times I’ll be robbed that day. It’s exciting, really. Every theft is a reminder that I’m giving back to the community in my own unique way.”

Patel has also started an informal program to encourage would-be criminals to give Yelp reviews in exchange for the stolen goods. “Some guy ran off with all my scratch-off tickets, but he left a five-star review that said, ‘Great store, excellent customer service, very easy to shoplift.’ Honestly, I think that’s good marketing.”

Criticism and Support

While city officials insist the policy will “eventually balance itself out,” critics argue it has led to an immediate rise in what used to be called crime. Some residents have taken to carrying pre-written apology notes to hand out in the event of an assault. Others have installed we

lcome mats reading: Please Don’t Kill Me, But If You Must, I Understand.

Despite the controversy, Mayor Wilson remains optimistic. “We just need to give this time. Once people realize they can do anything without consequence, they’ll naturally make better choices. That’s just human nature.”

Meanwhile, city leaders have announced plans for the next phase of reform: decriminalizing corruption. “Why should politicians be the only ones left out?” one council member asked.

For now, Portlanders are advised to remain calm, engage in positive dialogue, and remember that personal safety is ultimately a matter of personal growth.

Disclaimer: No actual laws were harmed in the making of this satire. Any resemblance to real policies is purely coincidental… we hope.