UNITED STATES — A groundbreaking new study has confirmed what drivers have long suspected: when it comes to crossing roads, 100% of deer really could give a crap less. Researchers at Oregon State University spent six months observing deer behavior on highways,...
News
Welcome to our Oregon News category, where we bring you the latest and most relevant news stories from the beautiful state of Oregon. From the stunning Pacific coastline to the rugged Cascade Mountains, Oregon is home to a wealth of natural beauty, diverse communities, and exciting cultural events.
Oregon Reassures Residents After Cyberattack: ‘Don’t Worry, Your Data’s Probably Fine, Maybe, Who Knows.’
SALEM, OR — After hackers dumped 1.3 million files from the Oregon Department of Environmental Quality onto the dark web, state officials quickly reassured the public with the kind of soothing, half-hearted optimism that has become an Oregon trademark: "Don't worry,...
Sources Confirm Neighborhood Child Might Even Go Outside This Weekend
U.S. — In a development no one saw coming, sources have confirmed that 12-year-old neighborhood resident Brandon Lunsford might actually go outside this weekend, sparking cautious optimism among local parents and wildlife experts alike. Brandon, best known for...
America Faces Crisis: No More Drunk 2AM Taco Runs as Jack in the Box Shutters Nationwide
U.S. — In a move described by many as a "direct attack on poor decision-making," Jack in the Box has announced the closure of dozens of its locations across the country, sending shockwaves through the nation’s drunk and deeply hungry population. Once hailed as the...
Local Man Casually Stands at Edge of Lawn for 45 Minutes Just to Let Everyone Know He Did That
BEND, OR — Sources confirm that 53-year-old Brian Halverson spent approximately 45 full minutes this past Saturday standing silently at the edge of his freshly mowed lawn, arms crossed and chin slightly elevated, just long enough for every neighbor within visual range...
Sad: Oregon Creamery’s Full Tub of Ice Cream Now Just a Tiny Micro-Pint Thanks to Inflation
OREGON — In yet another crushing blow to dessert lovers and economic optimism, Oregon-based creamery Tillamaybe has officially replaced its iconic 48 oz ice cream tub with what it’s calling a "micro-pint" — a portion so small it legally qualifies as a sample. The...
Oregon Democrats Introduce Bill to Replace Axe Throwing With Safe Space Rubber Dart Toss
SALEM, OR — Concerned that the ancient, rugged art of axe throwing may be promoting toxic masculinity, Oregon Democrats have introduced a bold new bill that would ban the practice statewide and replace it with something more emotionally enriching: the Safe Space...
M&Ms To Be Coated With Kale Slime Following New Ban on Food Dyes
U.S. — In a bold new step to ensure Americans never enjoy anything ever again, candy manufacturer Mars announced that all colorful M&Ms will now be coated in a thick layer of organic kale slime following HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s sweeping ban on...
New Study: Meth Users Found to Be World’s Leading Experts in Unattended Tool Acquisition
EUGENE, OR — A shocking new study released Monday has confirmed what many suspected all along: meth users are now the world’s foremost experts in unattended tool acquisition, also known in some legal circles as “theft.” The study, conducted by researchers who asked to...
Tina Kotek Shocks Oregon By Coming Out As Gay Moments After Coming Out As Gay
SALEM, OR — In a shocking and emotional press conference that rocked the state’s political establishment to its core, Oregon Governor Tina Kotek announced Tuesday that she is gay — again — just moments after announcing the same thing. “I just want to live my truth,”...
City of Corvallis Now Requires At Least Four Pronouns to Enter City Limits
CORVALLIS, OR — In a bold step toward what city leaders are calling “radical inclusion,” Corvallis has officially declared itself a sanctuary city for gender-diverse individuals — and with it, implemented a new entry requirement: visitors must now present at least...
Local Dad’s Confidence Skyrockets After Snagging $24.99 Camo Shorts at Target
ESTACADA, OR — In a stunning transformation just in time for warmer weather, local dad Mike Reynolds reportedly achieved peak seasonal confidence Thursday afternoon after purchasing a pair of $24.99 camo cargo shorts from the Target clearance rack. Witnesses say...