U.S. — After decades of research, burnout, and failed coping strategies involving expensive apps and oat milk lattes, mental health experts have finally reached a consensus: rewatching The NeverEnding Story is the ultimate emotional reset button. “It’s cinematic...
News
Welcome to our Oregon News category, where we bring you the latest and most relevant news stories from the beautiful state of Oregon. From the stunning Pacific coastline to the rugged Cascade Mountains, Oregon is home to a wealth of natural beauty, diverse communities, and exciting cultural events.
Portland to Roll Out Human Litter Boxes This Summer, Tackling Public Defecation Crisis
In what city officials are calling a “revolution in urban sanitation,” Portland will begin installing CrapTrap 3000™ units across the metro area—human-sized, self-cleaning litter boxes designed to address the growing issue of public defecation, and “shaping the...
Oregon State Scientists Baffled as Willamette River Births New Glow-in-the-Dark Creature
WILLAMETTE VALLEY, OR — In a groundbreaking yet deeply unsettling discovery, scientists at Oregon State University have confirmed the spontaneous emergence of a glow-in-the-dark humanoid creature from the depths of the notoriously murky Willamette River. According to...
Oregon Man’s Depression Downgraded from “Crippling” to “Moody” After Full Day of Sunshine
Creswell, OR — In what mental health experts are calling “a minor miracle” and “the emotional equivalent of unclenching your jaw,” local man Kyle Benson’s depression was officially downgraded from crippling to merely moody following an unprecedented full day of...
Portland Family Says Final Goodbyes to Dad Who Bravely Drank From Benson Bubbler
PORTLAND, OR — A local family is in mourning after 44-year-old Ron Breckman tragically passed away this week following what experts are calling “a reckless and ultimately fatal decision” to drink directly from a downtown Portland Benson Bubbler. “He just leaned in and...
Report: Someone Needs to Quiet That Sniveling Brat Immediately
SALEM, OR — A routine grocery run at the WinCo Foods off Commercial Street in Salem turned into a full-blown auditory crisis Friday morning after a local child—described by witnesses as "small but emotionally explosive"—unleashed a battle cry somewhere between a...
Bill Could Make Cellphone Use in Oregon Classrooms a Thing of the Past
A statewide ban on cell phones in Oregon’s K-12 classrooms could soon be on the books, following years of discussion and rising concern over the impact of personal devices on student learning and well-being. On Wednesday, March 26, the House Committee on Education...
BREAKING: Cat Confirms It Did, In Fact, Lick the Lasagna
In a stunning turn of events Tuesday evening, household cat Mr. Biscuits has officially confirmed that he licked the lasagna, and, according to inside sources, would “do it again in a heartbeat.” The lasagna, a bubbling tray of cheesy perfection prepared by...
Oregon Braces for Rare Tornado Risk as Severe Storms Target the Willamette Valley
A rare and potentially dangerous weather event is expected to impact parts of Oregon and the broader Pacific Northwest on Wednesday, with the possibility of large hail, damaging winds, and even isolated tornadoes—an unusual combination for the region. The National...
Oregon School Earns “Gold Medal in Predator Enablement” After Flawless Record of Inaction
In a historic achievement for institutional apathy, St. Helens High School has been awarded the coveted Gold Medal in Predator Enablement, a rare honor bestowed upon educational institutions demonstrating "exceptional consistency in ignoring red flags, downplaying...
Locals Shocked as Portland RV Appears to Give Birth to Full-Sized Truck in Public
PORTLAND, OR — In a shocking roadside event that eyewitnesses are describing as “equal parts beautiful and deeply upsetting,” a vintage RV parked outside a shuttered Hollywood Video reportedly gave birth to a fully grown, lifted pickup truck Tuesday afternoon. “I just...
Graffiti Artists Give Up As Portland Now 100% Covered in Spray Paint
PORTLAND, OR — In a historic moment of questionable achievement, the City of Portland has officially become the first metropolitan area in the United States to reach 100% graffiti saturation, prompting local street artists to reluctantly hang up their spray cans and...