In a bold and completely normal security upgrade, Tesla has officially deployed fire-breathing robot dogs to patrol its dealerships nationwide. The flamethrower-equipped quadrupeds, affectionately dubbed "CyberHounds," have already proven to be highly effective at deterring crime, unwanted protests, and people who “just want to look.”
“Elon said we should ‘release the hounds,’ and now here we are,” said a Tesla spokesperson, casually adjusting their fireproof vest. “They’re fully autonomous, environmentally friendly, and only mildly terrifying to anyone who values their eyebrows.”
Equipped with AI facial recognition, CyberHounds can distinguish between potential buyers and Tesla haters with over 97% accuracy. Those identified as "hostile entities" (e.g., people muttering “EVs are a scam” under their breath) receive a warning blast of decorative flame, just enough to light a cigarette or singe a Patagonia fleece vest.
Early tests have been mostly successful, with a few minor hiccups. One CyberHound in Austin accidentally locked onto a customer wearing a Ford logo, leading to an awkward but exhilarating foot chase. Another unit in Portland melted an e-scooter that was left too close to the dealership entrance.
Despite concerns from civil rights groups and at least one guy on Reddit, Tesla insists the CyberHounds are "perfectly safe", provided people don’t make sudden movements, criticize Elon Musk, or attempt to key a Model 3.
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“Our goal is not to scare people away,” the spokesperson reassured. “It’s just to ensure that anyone who dares to vandalize a Tesla leaves looking like they just tried to microwave aluminum foil.”
At press time, Tesla CyberHounds were seen circling a Prius driver who had parked in front of a Supercharger, their glowing red eyes silently calculating whether a "courtesy warning" fire blast was necessary.
