In a move that has both foodies and entomologists scratching their heads, Impossible Foods has announced their latest innovation: a burger made entirely from 100% ground crickets. Dubbed the Crunchy Classic, this bold new creation promises all the protein of traditional meat with the added benefit of an unexpected texture.
“We’ve spent years trying to make plants taste like meat,” said an Impossible Foods spokesperson while casually brushing a cricket leg off their sleeve. “And now, we’re asking—why stop at plants? Why not embrace something even more natural… like insects?”
According to Impossible Foods, the Crunchy Classic boasts an impressive nutritional profile, with more protein per gram than beef, a significantly lower environmental impact, and, most importantly, a “subtly nutty” crunch. The company has assured the public that the crickets are ethically sourced and lived full, happy lives before becoming the future of food.
“We like to think of it as free-range hopping,” explained the lead food scientist, adjusting their glasses as reporters stared in horror. “These crickets enjoyed a natural diet, lived in spacious, climate-controlled cricket condos, and were given the utmost care. Some of them even had names.”
Initial reactions have been mixed. Early taste-testers described the texture as “unique,” “definitely not like beef,” and “I think I just swallowed a wing.” One particularly enthusiastic plant-based influencer posted a video of herself trying the Crunchy Classic, only to cut the footage short as she coughed uncontrollably.
Do you love Oregon?
Sign up for monthly emails full of local travel inspiration and fun trip ideas. In each newsletter we'll share upcoming events, new things to do, hot dining spots and great travel ideas.
But Impossible Foods remains optimistic. “Listen, when we started making plant-based burgers, everyone laughed. ‘Why would you want a burger made of soy?’ they asked. Now, those same people are eating our products daily,” said the spokesperson. “And sure, people are laughing again—but that just means we’re ahead of the curve.”
The Crunchy Classic is set to roll out in select locations nationwide, with rumors swirling that Burger King may introduce a ‘Cricket King’ Whopper if consumer demand is high enough. McDonald’s has reportedly declined comment, but one insider claims a McBugget concept has been discussed.
The advertising campaign for the Crunchy Classic features a smiling cricket mascot named Jiminy McSnack, who assures customers, “It’s totally normal to eat me!” Billboards across the country now display slogans such as “Save the Planet, Eat the Bugs!” and “Meat is Over. Long Live Crickets.”
Despite some public hesitation, Impossible Foods insists that this is the future of sustainable protein. “Billionaires are trying to colonize Mars, and yet people still think eating crickets is weird?” scoffed one company executive. “Get with the times.”
For now, the Crunchy Classic remains a love-it-or-hate-it menu item. Some brave souls have declared it the best Impossible Burger yet, while others are still picking exoskeleton out of their teeth. One thing’s for sure—Impossible Foods has done it again. Whether the world is ready is an entirely different question.
