Cougars across Oregon are once again sounding the alarm as yet another human has wandered deep into the wilderness, completely unprepared and blissfully unaware of their surroundings. Local mountain lions, who have spent generations fine-tuning their survival instincts, are reportedly baffled by the species' continued lack of common sense.
“This one showed up wearing flip-flops,” said a visibly concerned cougar, licking his paw in exasperation. “FLIP-FLOPS. To hike. In our territory. At this point, I’m starting to think they want to become nature’s next snack.”
Reports indicate that the human in question, who has been spotted meandering aimlessly in the underbrush, entered the forest with no water, no map, and, of course, a phone with 2% battery life. “Typical,” sighed an older, more experienced mountain lion. “I give it an hour before he starts yelling ‘Siri, how do I get back to my car?’ like a distressed duckling.”
Wildlife officials within the cougar community have issued a safety advisory, urging all big cats in the region to maintain a safe distance. “We cannot stress this enough—avoid direct contact,” warned a spokesperson for the Cougar Neighborhood Watch. “Approaching a lost human could result in dramatic arm-flailing, loud panicked noises, or even worse... a selfie attempt.”
However, just as cougars were processing this latest clueless visitor, a second, even more bizarre human sighting sent shockwaves through the community. A trail cam captured photographic evidence of a woman, fully dressed in leopard-print attire, performing what appeared to be an intricate ballet pose atop a fallen log.
“I don’t even know what I’m looking at,” admitted a bewildered mountain lion, pausing mid-meal. “Is this camouflage? A mating ritual? Performance art? Whatever it is, I hate it.”
Feline witnesses report that the woman’s presence disrupted a perfectly good feeding session, forcing one cougar to pause and stare directly into the camera with an expression best described as “over it.” Experts say this reaction is common when cougars encounter peak human nonsense.
Security footage from another trail cam shows the original lost human attempting to “look big” after encountering a mildly annoyed squirrel. Meanwhile, the leopard-print woman continued to hold her pose on the log for an unsettling amount of time, seemingly unaware that a real cougar was mere feet away, trying to finish its dinner in peace.
Local cougars are growing increasingly frustrated with the sheer volume of clueless humans infiltrating their homes. “If we strolled into their backyards with no food, no plan, and just started screaming for help, you bet your tail they’d call animal control,” grumbled a mother cougar, whose cubs had been startled by a hiker stomping through the undergrowth while filming an Instagram Reel titled POV: I Get Lost in the Wild and Find Inner Peace.
Despite the risk to their own peace and quiet, cougar officials have formed a volunteer search-and-escort team to gently herd the latest human back toward civilization. “It’s not ideal,” admitted one volunteer, “but if we don’t, we all know what happens next—sirens, helicopters, a news story about how ‘nature is dangerous’ instead of admitting Steve from Beaverton just had no business wandering into the backcountry with nothing but a granola bar and an attitude.”
As of this morning, the human has been spotted approaching a creek, debating whether to drink directly from it because “it looks clean.” Meanwhile, the leopard-print woman was last seen twirling dramatically through a meadow, likely in search of better lighting for her next performance. The cougar featured in the trail cam image has requested privacy during this difficult time, though sources close to him say he has considered relocating. “I heard there are still places where humans don’t go,” he was overheard saying. “Maybe Montana.”
