PALM BEACH, FL — In a late-night post on Truth Social sandwiched between rants about wind turbines and the deep state, former President Donald Trump announced a bold new plan to reshape the American holiday calendar by adding two new national holidays: “We’re the Best Day” and “Other Countries Are Losers Day.”
“We don’t celebrate ourselves nearly enough,” Trump wrote, presumably while wearing a red velvet robe embroidered with gold eagles. “We won both World Wars, we built the greatest economy, I had the best rallies, and quite frankly, no one appreciates how incredible we are — especially ME. So we’re going to fix that.”
‘We’re the Best Day’, which Trump suggests should be celebrated “on every day that ends in Y”, will honor America’s unmatched greatness and feature mandatory chants of “U-S-A!” at every gas station and car dealership. Suggested activities include watching Trump speeches on loop, deep-frying things, and “just appreciating how lucky the world is to have us.”
Meanwhile, ‘Other Countries Are Losers Day’, tentatively scheduled for May 9th, will focus on reminding nations like France, Canada, and “probably Belgium” that they “didn’t win the wars, didn’t invent freedom, and owe us big league.” Trump clarified that this holiday is “not meant to be mean — just historically accurate.”
Critics were quick to point out that such holidays might strain international relations, but Trump dismissed them as “fake news globalists with no party spirit.” He added, “People forget, but I was basically Eisenhower with better ratings.”
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When asked whether these proposed holidays would require congressional approval, Trump responded, “Look, I made Space Force happen. I can make Celebration Force happen too. We’ll have tanks, fireworks, maybe a laser bald eagle flying overhead. It’ll be tremendous.”
As of press time, Trump was reportedly workshopping a third holiday called “Extremely Presidential Day,” intended to honor “all the totally amazing things I’ve done that the fake news tries to ruin.”
