MONROE, OR — In the early hours of Wednesday morning, local woman Emily Patterson reportedly launched what experts are calling a "precision-targeted rib jab" into the soft flank of her peacefully unconscious husband, Greg, in a final, desperate effort to end what has been described by neighbors as a “low-frequency death rattle.”
According to sources within the Patterson household, the snoring began around 11:42 p.m. and quickly escalated to a decibel level just shy of a commercial-grade leaf blower. Emily, a veteran of twelve winters of marital snore warfare, initially attempted standard countermeasures: rolling over forcefully, passive-aggressive sighing, and violently adjusting the blankets in hopes of startling the beast.
“It was like sleeping next to a Harley Davidson doing donuts in a metal shed,” she whispered, eyes bloodshot and voice trembling. “I tried everything. Light kicks. Harsh whispers. One time I even just stared at him really hard. Nothing. This man could sleep through a NASA launch.”
At approximately 3:17 a.m., after confirming that Greg had indeed entered the fabled 'log-sawing’ stage of unconsciousness, Emily initiated what military analysts have dubbed "Operation Pointy Elbow."
With surgical precision, she braced her core, lifted her right elbow, and delivered a targeted jab directly into Greg’s 7th rib — the one known in snore-fighting circles as the "Snore Node." The resulting grunt, flailing arm motion, and confused mutterings of “Wha? Is it time for work?” were met with a fleeting 43 seconds of silence.
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It was the quietest 43 seconds Emily had experienced since 2008.
But the victory was short-lived. Greg, unaware of the war being waged on his thoracic cavity, rolled onto his back, snorted twice, and resumed what one neighbor described as "a bull moose gargling gravel."
Emily is reportedly regrouping and considering new strategies, including recording his snoring and playing it back on loop during his favorite football game, or slowly increasing the firmness of his pillow until it qualifies as structural concrete.
When asked for comment, Greg said he “sleeps great every night” and doesn’t “really get what the big deal is,” before yawning loudly and opening a bag of tortilla chips directly into a Zoom microphone.
Marital experts warn that prolonged exposure to unchecked snoring can result in increased caffeine dependency, spontaneous pillow suffocation fantasies, and, in extreme cases, moving to a separate room "just for tonight" for the rest of your life.
As of press time, Emily was seen Googling “can you get a CPAP machine for someone without their consent” while sharpening her elbow for another attempt.
