Newport, Oregon— Local police have proudly unveiled what they believe to be groundbreaking security footage in their ongoing investigation of a robbery suspect. The image, which has been described as "state-of-the-art" by Officer Daniels, features a vaguely human-shaped blur standing near what might be a door—or perhaps a portal to another dimension. The department is now asking the public for help in identifying the "figure of interest."
"When we reviewed this footage, we knew we had a critical piece of evidence," Daniels stated confidently. "This is exactly the kind of clarity we’ve been waiting for. Look at those shapes and colors—unmistakably someone in a yellow shirt. Or maybe a glowing blob. Either way, it’s huge."
When asked to describe the suspect further, Daniels didn’t hesitate. "We believe the individual is between 3 feet and 7 feet tall, give or take, and likely under the age of 80. Or maybe over. It's hard to say. Judging by the footage, they could also be wearing some sort of hat—or perhaps they just have really impressive hair volume. Again, it’s open to interpretation."
The footage was captured by the establishment’s security camera, which, according to sources, was likely purchased from a garage sale for $20 sometime in the mid-90s. The camera has served loyally for decades, but the resulting video quality rivals what one might expect from a toaster with a recording feature.
Social media erupted shortly after the footage was released. One Twitter user wrote, “Is this evidence or an abstract watercolor painting?” Another quipped, “This looks like a screenshot from GoldenEye 64.”
Despite the pixelated chaos of the image, Officer Daniels remains optimistic. "You can clearly see… well, something. It’s a person—or possibly a coat rack—but that’s where you come in. We’re counting on the public to use their imagination and bring us the tip that cracks this case wide open."
Daniels also expressed excitement about the department’s planned technology upgrades. “We’re working on bringing in some cutting-edge equipment,” Daniels said. “We’ve got our eyes on a used flip phone camera and maybe even a 2002 camcorder. It’s a big step up from what we’ve been working with.”
For now, police are asking anyone with information about the suspect—or anyone skilled at identifying people based on blurry blobs of color—to contact the station immediately. “Every pixel matters,” Daniels assured reporters.
Meanwhile, the image has been submitted to an art gallery, where curators have labeled it an avant-garde piece titled Figure at the Door.
