by Tyler James | Apr 1, 2025 | Humor, News, Satire
U.S. — After decades of research, burnout, and failed coping strategies involving expensive apps and oat milk lattes, mental health experts have finally reached a consensus: rewatching The NeverEnding Story is the ultimate emotional reset button. “It’s cinematic...
by Tyler James | Mar 31, 2025 | Humor, Satire
Dating in Portland is hard. Between dodging open mic night invitations, navigating three-way Tinder bios, and trying to remember if you're allowed to say "you look nice" without first signing a consent form and issuing a land acknowledgment, it can be tricky out there...
by Danielle Denham | Mar 30, 2025 | Humor, News, Satire
In what city officials are calling a “revolution in urban sanitation,” Portland will begin installing CrapTrap 3000™ units across the metro area—human-sized, self-cleaning litter boxes designed to address the growing issue of public defecation, and “shaping the...
by Tyler James | Mar 30, 2025 | Humor, News, Satire
WILLAMETTE VALLEY, OR — In a groundbreaking yet deeply unsettling discovery, scientists at Oregon State University have confirmed the spontaneous emergence of a glow-in-the-dark humanoid creature from the depths of the notoriously murky Willamette River. According to...
by Tyler James | Mar 30, 2025 | Humor, News, Satire
Creswell, OR — In what mental health experts are calling “a minor miracle” and “the emotional equivalent of unclenching your jaw,” local man Kyle Benson’s depression was officially downgraded from crippling to merely moody following an unprecedented full day of...
by Tyler James | Mar 29, 2025 | Humor, News, Satire
PORTLAND, OR — A local family is in mourning after 44-year-old Ron Breckman tragically passed away this week following what experts are calling “a reckless and ultimately fatal decision” to drink directly from a downtown Portland Benson Bubbler. “He just leaned in and...
by Tyler James | Mar 29, 2025 | Humor, News, Satire
SALEM, OR — A routine grocery run at the WinCo Foods off Commercial Street in Salem turned into a full-blown auditory crisis Friday morning after a local child—described by witnesses as "small but emotionally explosive"—unleashed a battle cry somewhere between a...
by Tyler James | Mar 29, 2025 | News
A statewide ban on cell phones in Oregon’s K-12 classrooms could soon be on the books, following years of discussion and rising concern over the impact of personal devices on student learning and well-being. On Wednesday, March 26, the House Committee on Education...
by Tyler James | Mar 25, 2025 | Humor, News, Satire
In a stunning turn of events Tuesday evening, household cat Mr. Biscuits has officially confirmed that he licked the lasagna, and, according to inside sources, would “do it again in a heartbeat.” The lasagna, a bubbling tray of cheesy perfection prepared by...
by Tyler James | Mar 25, 2025 | News, Weather
A rare and potentially dangerous weather event is expected to impact parts of Oregon and the broader Pacific Northwest on Wednesday, with the possibility of large hail, damaging winds, and even isolated tornadoes—an unusual combination for the region. The National...
