Satire

Oregon Man’s Depression Downgraded from “Crippling” to “Moody” After Full Day of Sunshine

Creswell, OR — In what mental health experts are calling “a minor miracle” and “the emotional equivalent of unclenching your jaw,” local man Kyle Benson’s depression was officially downgraded from crippling to merely moody following an unprecedented full day of sunshine in Stayton, Oregon. The...

Portland Family Says Final Goodbyes to Dad Who Bravely Drank From Benson Bubbler

PORTLAND, OR — A local family is in mourning after 44-year-old Ron Breckman tragically passed away this week following what experts are calling “a reckless and ultimately fatal decision” to drink directly from a downtown Portland Benson Bubbler. “He just leaned in and drank,” said his wife, Susan...

Report: Someone Needs to Quiet That Sniveling Brat Immediately

SALEM, OR — A routine grocery run at the WinCo Foods off Commercial Street in Salem turned into a full-blown auditory crisis Friday morning after a local child—described by witnesses as "small but emotionally explosive"—unleashed a battle cry somewhere between a velociraptor and a foghorn near the...

BREAKING: Cat Confirms It Did, In Fact, Lick the Lasagna

In a stunning turn of events Tuesday evening, household cat Mr. Biscuits has officially confirmed that he licked the lasagna, and, according to inside sources, would “do it again in a heartbeat.” The lasagna, a bubbling tray of cheesy perfection prepared by 34-year-old Julia Patterson for her book...

Oregon School Earns “Gold Medal in Predator Enablement” After Flawless Record of Inaction

In a historic achievement for institutional apathy, St. Helens High School has been awarded the coveted Gold Medal in Predator Enablement, a rare honor bestowed upon educational institutions demonstrating "exceptional consistency in ignoring red flags, downplaying allegations, and quietly...

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