In what witnesses are calling “the most powerful photo op since the moon landing,” U.S. Secretary of Homeland Secretary Kristi Noem, ascended the roof of Portland’s ICE building Tuesday morning wearing a full superhero suit, striking a series of commanding poses...
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Portland Police Host Knitting Circle Across the Street While Feds Make Arrests at ICE Building
PORTLAND, OR — In a shocking display of civic multitasking, Portland Police officers were spotted this week across from the ICE building… peacefully knitting scarves, baby blankets, potholders, and one extremely lumpy sweater while federal agents tackled protesters to...
ICE Deploys Cougars in Portland, Says Pepper Spray ‘Just Wasn’t Scary Enough’
PORTLAND, OR — After years of experimenting with tear gas, rubber bullets, and pepper spray, Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has apparently decided to step things up a notch. On Thursday night, officers stunned protesters outside Portland’s ICE facility by...
National Guard Troops Beg to Be Reassigned After Briefing Includes Photos of Portland’s Nude Cyclists
PORTLAND, OR — Freshly mobilized National Guard troops are already filing desperate reassignment requests after their first Portland briefing included photos from the city’s notorious World Naked Bike Ride. The “emergency ride,” hastily announced on social media by...
Move Over Netflix: Portland ICE Protests Officially Crowned America’s Binge-Worthy Reality Series
PORTLAND, OR — Forget “Stranger Things” and “Love Is Blind.” The hottest new reality series gripping America isn’t on Netflix, Hulu, or HBO—it's the nightly Portland ICE protests, streaming live on every platform where chaos can be uploaded in 4K. With a perfect blend...
Bend Locals Say Fall Didn’t Officially Begin Until Patagonia Over Flannel Guy Walked Drake Park With Coffee
BEND, OR — Despite what the calendar claims, residents say autumn didn’t truly begin until a smug Bend man in Patagonia over flannel strutted through Drake Park this weekend, clutching a $7 latte like it was the Olympic torch of fall. Witnesses describe the moment as...
Antifa and Troops Surprise Portland With Joint Block Party, Music by DJ Molotov
PORTLAND, OR — What began as a tense standoff outside Portland’s ICE building took an unexpected turn Saturday when Antifa activists and federal troops dropped their shields, rolled out a pair of Weber grills, and transformed the protest zone into a full-blown block...
Portland Protesters Deploy “Operation Full Moon” as Naked Skydivers Descend on ICE Building
PORTLAND, OR — Portland protesters have once again raised the bar—and everything else—as they launched “Operation Full Moon,” a carefully coordinated display involving hundreds of naked skydivers raining down over the Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) building...
National Guard to Roll Into Portland Next Week, Locals Argue Over Who Gets to Tag Armored Vehicles First
PORTLAND, OR — With 166 Oregon National Guard members preparing to deploy to Portland next week, locals have already begun squabbling over who will earn the honor of being the first to spray-paint “ACAB” on the side of an armored vehicle. The dispute reportedly broke...
City of Portland Absolutely Obliterated as Urban War Escalates
It’s been a long time coming. After years of jokes about endless protests, artisanal chaos, and bridges that seem to exist just to get spray-painted, Portland has finally fulfilled every wild exaggeration by spontaneously detonating into a massive fireball. The city...
Portland Leaders Float Plan To Convert ICE Building Into Airbnb With ‘Luxury Detention Suites’
PORTLAND, OR — City officials are floating a bold new proposal to convert Portland’s controversial Immigration and Customs Enforcement building into an Airbnb, touting it as a potential goldmine of “luxury detention suites” and ironic tourist appeal. Under the plan,...
Trump Sends Troops to Portland, Still No Word If Epstein Files Are Hidden in ICE Basement
PORTLAND, Ore. — In what officials are calling “Operation Basement Sweep,” President Trump doubled down on his commitment to locate the alleged Epstein files, personally insisting they are buried somewhere beneath Portland’s ICE facility. The same president who just...