PORTLAND, OR — In a groundbreaking move hailed by city leaders as a “compassion-centered innovation,” Portland has officially replaced its overwhelmed 911 emergency response system with a calming AI assistant programmed to repeatedly say, “That must have been scary.”...
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Oregon Officials Consider Removing Girls from Girls’ Sports Teams
SALEM, Ore. (AP) — Oregon lawmakers are considering a controversial new proposal that would remove biological girls from girls’ sports teams in public schools and universities, a move supporters say is necessary to promote fairness, inclusivity, and “repair centuries...
Antifa Protester Grounded After Mom Finds Out He Skipped Chores for Riot Again
PORTLAND, OR — Chaos erupted in the Thompson household Wednesday evening when 19-year-old Antifa member Brayden Thompson was once again grounded after skipping his chores to attend a “Riot for Justice and Mild Property Damage” protest downtown. Brayden, a part-time...
Local Raccoon Escapes Oregon Zoo, Found Days Later Smoking Meth Behind Dollar Tree
BANDON, OR — In what authorities are calling “the least surprising twist in an already shocking investigation,” a raccoon that recently escaped from the embattled West Coast Game Park Safari was discovered Tuesday night hunched behind a Dollar Tree, clutching a meth...
Driver Pulled Over for Texting by Officer Actively Navigating Five Screens and a Taco Bell App
SPRINGFIELD, OR — A local woman was issued a citation for texting and driving Tuesday afternoon by a police officer who, according to witnesses, was simultaneously operating five separate electronic screens and finalizing a Taco Bell order with extra fire sauce. The...
Northwesterners Eagerly Await That First Deep Breath of Campfire-Flavored Air
EVERYWHERE, PACIFIC NORTHWEST — As summer inches closer and the scent of dry pine needles crisps in the warming breeze, Northwesterners from Bellingham to Bend are reportedly giddy with anticipation for that magical first lungful of campfire-flavored doom. “Oh yeah,...
Extreme Centrist Portlander Avoids Detection After Perfecting Blank Stare During Political Rants
PORTLAND, OR — In a city where expressing even the slightest nuance can result in immediate social exile, local man Brian Callahan has reportedly survived another week in Portland without being outed as a moderate — thanks to a carefully rehearsed “blank, vaguely...
Americans Discover WNBA Still Exists While Pretending They’ve Always Cared About WNBA
In a truly heartwarming display of performative activism, Americans everywhere have suddenly discovered the WNBA is still a thing—and are now passionately pretending they’ve supported it this whole time. The newfound enthusiasm comes not from interest in basketball...
Florence Erects Statue of Exploding Whale, Immediately Blows It Up for Historical Accuracy
Florence, Oregon – In a heartwarming tribute to Oregon’s most explosive historical moment, the city of Florence unveiled a life-sized statue of the infamous exploding whale on Tuesday—then promptly reduced it to flaming chunks with 20 cases of surplus dynamite. City...
Oregon Officials Propose Setting Fire to Money Directly
SALEM, OR — In a bold new plan, Oregon leaders say they have finally figured out how to fix all the state’s biggest problems: by taking a big pile of your tax money… and setting it on fire. Yes, seriously. Governor Tina Kotek recently announced another big idea to...
Texas Bans THC, Instructs Citizens to “Just Get Drunk Like God Intended”
AUSTIN, TX — In a bold return to the golden age of moral panic and liver damage, the Texas House passed Senate Bill 3 late Wednesday night, banning all intoxicating THC products while reaffirming the state’s unwavering belief that the only righteous way to unwind is...
Oregon Approves Airbnb Cabin on Bandon’s Face Rock: “Definitely Safer Than It Looks”
BANDON, OR — In a groundbreaking move that combines coastal charm with what some are calling “blatant disregard for gravity,” Oregon officials have approved construction of a fully off-grid Airbnb cabin perched directly atop Bandon’s iconic sea stack, Face Rock....