BEND, Ore. — In a turn of events that has left the Oregon high school sports world dazed and confused (and possibly inspired), 42-year-old Trent Lawson of Bend has not only declared himself a 17-year-old high school junior but also quarterbacked the Roosevelt Ridge JV...
UNITED STATES — A new report published by the International Institute of Absolutely Unnecessary Safety Measures (IIAUSM) has confirmed what many suspected but dared not say out loud: the man driving alone in his car while fully masked and gloved is, statistically, the...
In the misty mountains of the Pacific Northwest, a new romance trend is bubbling up—literally. Experts say that the secret to romance in this neck of the woods might just lie in the region’s famous hot springs. But, there’s a catch: it only works if the right person...
HEAVEN — In what celestial insiders are calling the most shocking lineup shakeup in millennia, sources confirmed Tuesday that heavy metal icon Ozzy Osbourne will headline Heaven’s main stage this summer, prompting Lucifer himself to file a breach of contract lawsuit...
BANDON, OR — In a bold move that has marine biologists questioning their life choices, a new Oregon Coast attraction is allowing visitors to “saddle up” and ride dolphins like aquatic cowboys. The park, officially named Flipper Junction Adventure Park, opened this...
SPRINGFIELD, OR — Panic broke out Monday afternoon when a pack of hungry cougars stormed the Springfield Walmart, raiding shelves and sending shoppers sprinting for the exits. Witnesses say the animals first appeared in the parking lot around 2 p.m., circling shopping...
CRATER LAKE, OR — In a bold move that has park rangers scratching their heads and several kayakers bobbing in approval, Oregon’s first floating marijuana dispensary officially opened this week on Crater Lake. The aptly named “Lake and Bake Cannabis Co.” is a...
PORTLAND, OR — In what company executives are calling their “most ambitious expansion yet,” Spirit Halloween announced Tuesday that it will seize the opportunity presented by Portland’s vacant downtown to convert every empty storefront into a seasonal costume...
PORTLAND, OR — In a development surprising no one, another guy in the Pacific Northwest has reportedly gotten a tattoo of a forest on his forearm. Witnesses say the man, identified only as “Kyle,” emerged from a local tattoo studio Tuesday afternoon sporting a...
VENETA, Ore. — In a move that can only be described as “Grateful, Undead and Totally Unexpected,” the spirit of Jerry Garcia reportedly materialized onstage Friday evening at the Oregon Country Fair, triggering mass confusion that was blamed entirely on rampant edible...
SALEM, OR — In a bold new effort to “restore order and tranquility” to Oregon’s waterways, Governor Tina Kotek unveiled legislation this week that would impose a $500 fine for any “unauthorized splashing” on rivers across the state. “Too many Oregonians think they can...
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a sobering report released Thursday, leading political scientists confirmed that the only remaining path toward national unity would require a planet-destroying asteroid to obliterate all life on Earth. “After analyzing decades of data, partisan...