Satire

Portland Replaces 911 With AI That Soothes Callers by Saying “That Must Have Been Scary” On Repeat

PORTLAND, OR — In a groundbreaking move hailed by city leaders as a “compassion-centered innovation,” Portland has officially replaced its overwhelmed 911 emergency response system with a calming AI assistant programmed to repeatedly say, “That must have been scary.” The change comes after years...

Oregon Officials Consider Removing Girls from Girls’ Sports Teams

SALEM, Ore. (AP) — Oregon lawmakers are considering a controversial new proposal that would remove biological girls from girls’ sports teams in public schools and universities, a move supporters say is necessary to promote fairness, inclusivity, and “repair centuries of gender-based imbalance in...

Antifa Protester Grounded After Mom Finds Out He Skipped Chores for Riot Again

PORTLAND, OR — Chaos erupted in the Thompson household Wednesday evening when 19-year-old Antifa member Brayden Thompson was once again grounded after skipping his chores to attend a “Riot for Justice and Mild Property Damage” protest downtown. Brayden, a part-time barista and full-time...

Local Raccoon Escapes Oregon Zoo, Found Days Later Smoking Meth Behind Dollar Tree

BANDON, OR — In what authorities are calling “the least surprising twist in an already shocking investigation,” a raccoon that recently escaped from the embattled West Coast Game Park Safari was discovered Tuesday night hunched behind a Dollar Tree, clutching a meth pipe and muttering about “deep...

Driver Pulled Over for Texting by Officer Actively Navigating Five Screens and a Taco Bell App

SPRINGFIELD, OR — A local woman was issued a citation for texting and driving Tuesday afternoon by a police officer who, according to witnesses, was simultaneously operating five separate electronic screens and finalizing a Taco Bell order with extra fire sauce. The driver, 32-year-old Sarah...
Oregon Officials Propose Setting Fire to Money Directly

Oregon Officials Propose Setting Fire to Money Directly

SALEM, OR — In a bold new plan, Oregon leaders say they have finally figured out how to fix all the state’s biggest problems: by taking a big pile of your tax money… and setting it on fire. Yes, seriously. Governor Tina Kotek recently announced another big idea to...

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