FLORENCE, OR — A shocking new report released Sunday confirmed what visitors have long suspected: the Sea Lion Caves are, in fact, a little stinky today. Tourists poured into the Oregon Coast landmark hoping for majestic views, unique wildlife encounters, and perhaps...
Satire
Pope Urges Stoners for Christ to Blaze Responsibly This Easter Sunday
VATICAN CITY — As Easter Sunday and 4/20 prepare to overlap in a once-in-a-generation holy smokes collision, Pope Francis issued a pastoral message Friday urging members of Stoners for Christ to “celebrate the resurrection with joy, gratitude, and at least a basic...
Oregon Voted #1 Place To Live In A Van Down By The River
SALEM, OR — In a groundbreaking new report released Thursday, Oregon has officially been named the number one state in America for living in a faded, slightly moldy, sky-blue van down by the river — narrowly beating out Washington thanks to its looser parking rules...
Visitors Confirm: Enchanted Forest Hits Way Harder on Shrooms Than as a Kid
TURNER, OR — Longtime fans of Oregon’s beloved Enchanted Forest theme park are reporting that while the park was “kinda spooky and magical” as children, experiencing it as an adult on mushrooms is an entirely different — and far more intense — journey. “It used to be...
Middle-Class Oregonians Sad to Learn They’re No Longer Rich Enough to Sleep Outside
SALEM, OR — As Oregon State Parks prepare to roll out another round of fee hikes for the 2025 camping season, thousands of middle-class Oregon families are reportedly coming to terms with the heartbreaking reality that they can no longer afford to sleep outside like...
Local Hikers Cheer as Hero Delivers Flying Kick to Yet Another One of Those Annoying Rock Stacks
CASCADE RANGE, OR — A sense of awe swept through the hiking community this weekend as yet another rock stack met its dramatic end—this time at the foot (literally) of a mysterious figure some are beginning to call The Cairn Slayer. Witnesses say the man appeared out...
Research Finds Finest Coffee Poured by Baristas With Nose Ring, 12 Pronouns, and Zero Eye Contact
BEND, ORE— A newly published study from the Oregon Culinary Arts & Beverage Institute has revealed that the highest-rated coffee in the state is consistently brewed by baristas who share three key characteristics: a prominent nose ring, at least 12 self-identified...
Oregon Adds Safe Spaces to Prisons in Case Murderers Feel Uncomfortable
SALEM, OR — In a bold new effort to make convicted murderers feel a little more at ease during their lengthy prison sentences, Oregon officials have announced the rollout of in-prison safe spaces — fully furnished with leather couches, decorative wall paneling, a...
Pathetic: Guy Who Sucks at Regular Golf Now Sucks at Disc Golf, Too
Eugene, OR — In a move that surprised absolutely no one, local man Trevor McMichaels has confirmed that his deeply embedded lack of athletic skill seamlessly translates from traditional golf to disc golf. “I just figured I’d try disc golf because it’s more laid back,”...
Archaeologists Unearth Mysterious Metal Artifact in Oregon, May Date Back to Late 1970s
FORT ROCK, OR — Archaeologists working near the site of Oregon’s famed ancient sandals have stumbled upon a curious metallic object of unknown function, believed to date back to the late 1970s—a time period researchers refer to as “post-Woodstock but pre-Reagan,...
40-Year-Old Hiker Eager to Rediscover That One Weird Knee Pain Again This Weekend
BEND, OR — Local 40-year-old insurance adjuster and recreational hiker Kyle Marston is reportedly gearing up for another exciting weekend on the trails, where he fully expects to rediscover that same vague, mysterious knee pain that’s been haunting him since a poorly...
Easter Bunny Quits Lloyd Center Gig After Getting Jumped by Toddler With Brass Knuckles
PORTLAND, OR — In what mall officials are calling “an unfortunate holiday incident,” the Easter Bunny abruptly ended his seasonal duties at the Lloyd Center this weekend after reportedly being ambushed by a 3-year-old wielding toddler-sized brass knuckles and a sippy...