Satire

Tired Sea Lion Snaps After Being Climbed Over, Breathed On, And Generally Disrespected

NEWPORT, Ore. — What began as a typical afternoon along the docks in Old Town Newport quickly turned into an unexpectedly entertaining spectacle Tuesday, as two sea lions engaged in what onlookers are calling one of the most dramatic “dock disputes” of the season. The popular bayfront viewing...

Oregon Leaders Urge Homeowners To Set Firearms Aside And Kindly Talk Things Out With Intruders

SALEM, OR — In what officials are calling a “more compassionate approach to unexpected late-night visitors,” Oregon leaders this week urged residents to set firearms aside and instead engage in calm, respectful dialogue with anyone breaking into their homes. “At the end of the day, a home invasion...

Trump Gives Portland 48 Hours to “Figure It Out” Before “We Push the Big Button”

PORTLAND, OR — Calling the situation “very concerning, very chaotic, frankly a mess,” President Donald Trump issued a firm 48-hour ultimatum Tuesday demanding that the city of Portland “figure it out” or face what he described as “the big button—everyone knows the button.” Standing in front of a...

Springfield Rolls Out Pilot Program Where Roof Guns Politely Ask “Hey Man, What Are You Doing?” Before Escalating

SPRINGFIELD, OR — In what city officials are calling a “measured, community-first approach to modern problems,” Springfield this week unveiled a pilot program featuring AI-powered rooftop security turrets that politely question suspicious individuals before taking any… further interest. Dubbed the...

New Oregon ‘Summit Assist’ Service Lets Hikers Skip Straight to the Scenic Part

LINCOLN CITY, Ore. — In a move that’s already being called “the biggest breakthrough in outdoor recreation since paved parking lots,” a new service along the Oregon Coast is now offering visitors a chance to experience one of the state’s most iconic viewpoints… without participating in literally...
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