In what city officials are calling a “revolution in urban sanitation,” Portland will begin installing CrapTrap 3000™ units across the metro area—human-sized, self-cleaning litter boxes designed to address the growing issue of public defecation, and “shaping the...
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Oregon State Scientists Baffled as Willamette River Births New Glow-in-the-Dark Creature
WILLAMETTE VALLEY, OR — In a groundbreaking yet deeply unsettling discovery, scientists at Oregon State University have confirmed the spontaneous emergence of a glow-in-the-dark humanoid creature from the depths of the notoriously murky Willamette River. According to...
Oregon Man’s Depression Downgraded from “Crippling” to “Moody” After Full Day of Sunshine
Creswell, OR — In what mental health experts are calling “a minor miracle” and “the emotional equivalent of unclenching your jaw,” local man Kyle Benson’s depression was officially downgraded from crippling to merely moody following an unprecedented full day of...
Portland Family Says Final Goodbyes to Dad Who Bravely Drank From Benson Bubbler
PORTLAND, OR — A local family is in mourning after 44-year-old Ron Breckman tragically passed away this week following what experts are calling “a reckless and ultimately fatal decision” to drink directly from a downtown Portland Benson Bubbler. “He just leaned in and...
Report: Someone Needs to Quiet That Sniveling Brat Immediately
SALEM, OR — A routine grocery run at the WinCo Foods off Commercial Street in Salem turned into a full-blown auditory crisis Friday morning after a local child—described by witnesses as "small but emotionally explosive"—unleashed a battle cry somewhere between a...
BREAKING: Cat Confirms It Did, In Fact, Lick the Lasagna
In a stunning turn of events Tuesday evening, household cat Mr. Biscuits has officially confirmed that he licked the lasagna, and, according to inside sources, would “do it again in a heartbeat.” The lasagna, a bubbling tray of cheesy perfection prepared by...
Oregon School Earns “Gold Medal in Predator Enablement” After Flawless Record of Inaction
In a historic achievement for institutional apathy, St. Helens High School has been awarded the coveted Gold Medal in Predator Enablement, a rare honor bestowed upon educational institutions demonstrating "exceptional consistency in ignoring red flags, downplaying...
Graffiti Artists Give Up As Portland Now 100% Covered in Spray Paint
PORTLAND, OR — In a historic moment of questionable achievement, the City of Portland has officially become the first metropolitan area in the United States to reach 100% graffiti saturation, prompting local street artists to reluctantly hang up their spray cans and...
Travelers Agree: This Gas Station Port-a-Potty is a ‘Spiritual Oasis in a Plastic Shell’
In the vast, unforgiving wasteland of America’s highways—where fast food wrappers dance in the wind and gas station bathrooms look like crime scenes—one portable restroom has risen above the filth to become a beacon of hope. Perched in front of a Love’s Travel Stop,...
Wife Deploys Tactical Rib Jab in Final Attempt to End Husband’s Snoring
MONROE, OR — In the early hours of Wednesday morning, local woman Emily Patterson reportedly launched what experts are calling a "precision-targeted rib jab" into the soft flank of her peacefully unconscious husband, Greg, in a final, desperate effort to end what has...
Oregon Capitol Swaps Gold Man for Dad Bod Guy Holding a Vape to Better Represent the Future
SALEM, OR — In a historic and absolutely necessary move, Oregon officials have replaced the iconic Gold Man statue atop the State Capitol with a shirtless, vape-clutching dad bod guy, a bold tribute to the future of civilization. The new statue, affectionately dubbed...
Fyre Festival 2 Promises to Strand Attendees Before They Even Arrive
Fyre Festival 2 is officially happening, and organizers are promising the most authentic festival experience yet—so authentic, in fact, that attendees should expect to be stranded before they even arrive. But this time, founder and convicted fraudster Billy McFarland...