You know you’ve gained 20 pounds in the last six months. Between your elite-level Netflix binging, late-night DoorDash orders, and a dedicated commitment to avoiding anything remotely strenuous, your body has fully adapted to a sedentary lifestyle. Deep down, you know hiking is the one thing that could rescue you from your slow descent into Average Body Territory. And yet… the thought of actually doing it? The sweat, the sore legs, the realization that your "hiking boots" have only ever been used for quick coffee runs? Yeah, hard pass.
Still, in a moment of social panic—or maybe because you actually convinced yourself you’d follow through—you casually drop, “We should totally go hiking soon!” to a friend. But now, horror of horrors, they’re actually trying to make it happen. This is the exact scenario you feared. But don’t worry—I’ve got your back. Here’s your foolproof guide to ensuring this hike never, ever happens.
1. Keep It Vague, Always
When you first suggest hiking, make sure to leave out key details like where or when. A simple “Let’s go hiking soon!” sounds enthusiastic but commits you to absolutely nothing. The moment your friend asks, “Which trail?” deflect with:
“Oh, there are so many good ones, we should research a few!”
Translation: Let’s drag this out long enough for you to forget.
2. Use the Classic ‘Busy But Interested’ Routine
If your friend tries to lock in a date, you must act thrilled while remaining impossibly busy. Say things like:
“Ugh, this month is crazy for me, but let’s totally do it soon!”
This makes you seem like you want to go, without any actual danger of having to go.
3. Blame the Ever-Changing Weather
Luckily, you live in Oregon, where the forecast is as unpredictable as your willingness to exercise. When your friend suggests a day, check the weather app. Even if it says partly cloudy, say something like:
“It looks like it might rain… we should wait for a sunnier day!”
No one wants to hike in the rain, and you just bought yourself at least another week of peace.
4. Act Super Excited About Their Trail Suggestions—Then Stall
If they start throwing out trail names like Silver Falls or Dog Mountain, respond with:
“OMG yes! That’s been on my list forever! I just need to grab a few things first—maybe new boots? A hydration pack? Oh, and I should probably stretch a bit before we go. Let me get prepped, and I’ll text you!”
Translation: You will never text them.
5. Drop Subtle Hints That You Might Be Unprepared for the Wild
If your friend is persistent, make yourself seem like a liability:
- “Wait, do we have to bring bear spray?”
- “I heard there are cougars in that area… what’s our plan if we see one?”
- “How long is the hike? Should we train for it first?”
Make enough of these comments, and your friend will either rethink inviting you or start questioning their own survival skills.
6. Let Life (and Time) Do the Work for You
Most people have short attention spans. If you can successfully dodge the first few attempts to schedule the hike, chances are they’ll move on to a more willing hiking partner. Suddenly, weeks will pass, then months. Soon enough, you’ll be safely back to your regularly scheduled programming: curled up on the couch, eating snacks, pretending you were this close to going hiking.
7. Offer an Alternative You Know They Won’t Accept
If all else fails, hit them with:
“I can’t do a big hike, but how about a light stroll around the block?”
If they’re hardcore about hiking, they’ll reject your offer, and you’ll be off the hook. If they actually accept… well, congrats, you’ve successfully downgraded the threat from full-on hike to casual walk.
Final Thoughts
And that’s it—you’ve successfully mastered the art of appearing outdoorsy without actually doing anything. Now go ahead and order that burrito while scrolling through trail photos on Instagram. You’ve earned it.
