PORTLAND, OR — Portland protesters have once again raised the bar—and everything else—as they launched “Operation Full Moon,” a carefully coordinated display involving hundreds of naked skydivers raining down over the Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) building in Southeast Portland.
Organizers say the stunt was designed to send a powerful message against “militarization, oppression, and the tyranny of pants.” They also admitted the airborne demonstration was a way to “get a head start” on the emergency naked bike ride already scheduled in response to Trump’s troop deployment. “Why wait for ground-level nudity when we can start with sky-level nudity?” asked one organizer, tightening his parachute straps.
“Every society in crisis must ask itself the same question,” explained spokesperson Rain Drop-Featherstone while oiling up a parachute harness. “What’s the most effective way to resist authoritarianism? The answer, obviously, is hundreds of bare butts blotting out the sun as we descend like righteous angels of freedom.”
At precisely 4:20 p.m., a small fleet of Cessna 182 aircraft buzzed over Portland’s skyline, releasing wave after wave of unclothed activists. Witnesses described the scene as “part majestic, part horrifying, and 100% Portland.” Residents nearby said they could hear chants echoing through the skies, including: “ICE, ICE, go away, let my cheeks see light of day!” “No borders, no pants!” and the instantly viral “Gravity is resistance!”
Federal officers stationed at the ICE facility admitted they were caught off guard. One agent confessed under anonymity, “We trained for Molotovs, fireworks, even laser pointers. We were not prepared for 200 naked people drifting down like the world’s worst meteor shower.” The FAA, meanwhile, issued a strongly worded advisory to local pilots: “Expect moderate turbulence caused by flapping body parts over Portland airspace until further notice.”
Donald Trump, upon hearing about the protest, reportedly recoiled in disgust. “Absolutely terrible. The worst protest I’ve ever seen, maybe in history. Naked people falling out of the sky, very nasty stuff, folks. I like parachutes, but not when they’re full of hippies. Everyone’s talking about it. They tell me it was like watching skydiving, but instead of the Blue Angels, you got the Pink Cheeks. Disgraceful!”
Local residents, however, hardly batted an eye. “Oh, that’s just Tuesday,” said barista Skye Moonflower while serving a lavender oat-milk latte. “Last week it was naked pogo sticks. Honestly, the parachutes feel kind of mainstream.” Some Portland parents tried to shield their children’s eyes, but activists insisted it was an educational opportunity. “Kids should grow up knowing democracy sometimes looks like 500 cheeks coming in hot at terminal velocity,” said one protester as he limped off the landing zone.
Following the success of “Operation Full Moon,” organizers teased future events, including Nude Hang-Gliding Against Hate, Bare-Knuckle Luge for Justice, and the much-anticipated “Streaker Drones for Equality” campaign. City officials say cleanup efforts around the ICE building could take weeks. “You’d be amazed how hard it is to get body paint off government property,” sighed one janitor.
