SALEM, OR — In a bold new effort to “restore order and tranquility” to Oregon’s waterways, Governor Tina Kotek unveiled legislation this week that would impose a $500 fine for any “unauthorized splashing” on rivers across the state.
“Too many Oregonians think they can just hop on an inner tube and recklessly thrash water around like it’s the Wild West,” Kotek said during a press conference. “This isn’t a playground. Our rivers are delicate ecosystems that deserve respect—and minimal turbulence.”
Under the proposed law, all splashing activities—including but not limited to cannonballs, water fights, and accidental paddle flings—would require a state-issued “Splash Permit”. The permit, priced at $49.99 annually, would authorize controlled splashing in designated areas only.
Violators caught splashing without a permit would face a $500 fine, mandatory river etiquette classes, and potential confiscation of their inflatable watercraft.
The legislation also includes funding for a fleet of “River Enforcement Specialists,” or RES units, who will patrol popular float spots to monitor for unsanctioned splashes. Officers will be equipped with waterproof citation printers and GoPro bodycams to document offenses.
“We’re not trying to ruin anyone’s fun,” Kotek reassured. “We’re simply ensuring that water activities align with the state’s commitment to safety, harmony, and revenue collection.”
Reactions to the proposal have been mixed. Environmental groups praised the effort, while rivergoers expressed confusion.
“So… am I allowed to get wet at all?” asked Eugene resident Travis McMillan. “What happens if I trip and splash accidentally? Do I owe Tina 500 bucks?”
When asked about such concerns, a spokesperson clarified: “All unintentional splashes must be reported within 72 hours to the Oregon Water Activity Compliance Bureau to avoid penalties.”
The bill is expected to pass easily in the legislature, where lawmakers are reportedly considering an additional amendment requiring helmets on all pool noodles.
