WASHINGTON, D.C. — Vowing to “finish what he started back when Herbert Hoover was in short pants,” Oregon Senator Jeff Merkley announced Thursday that he will seek a 13th term in 2064 at the age of 108, confidently declaring his intention to outlive every remaining member of the Republican Party.
“Let them scream about term limits—I’ve been in this fight since before half their ancestors climbed out of the primordial soup,” Merkley said, adjusting his campaign-branded exoskeleton. “I’ve outlasted Goldwater, Reagan, and even that strange orange one whose name I can’t recall. And by the time 2064 rolls around, I’ll still be here, holding town halls in every Oregon county… and probably on Mars too.”
Merkley, who first won his Senate seat in 2008, credited his political longevity to Oregon rainwater, salmon protein shakes, and “the sheer willpower it takes to explain basic civic functions to Facebook commenters for over a century.”
Political analysts noted Merkley’s ironclad commitment to outlasting the GOP could prove tricky, given recent reports of Republican leaders cryogenically freezing themselves in Florida bunkers. “McConnell’s head in a jar still controls 14 Senate seats,” said one expert. “But Merkley seems determined to wait them out, even if it means holding committee hearings from a hyperbaric chamber.”
When asked how long he plans to serve, Merkley responded, “As long as it takes. And if that means celebrating my 150th birthday by presiding over the impeachment of the 12th Trump clone, so be it.”
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Merkley’s 2064 campaign kickoff rally is scheduled for next month at Portland’s Pioneer Square, where he will reportedly arrive riding a giant tortoise.
