PORTLAND, Ore. — Local cyclists have announced plans for a massive parade this Saturday titled “We’re Better Than You” as a way to raise awareness for their superior lifestyle choices.
The event, organized by the Portland Coalition of Pedal Supremacy, will feature hundreds of cyclists riding through the city at exactly 6 miles per hour in tightly packed rows to “gently remind motorists and pedestrians alike that they are part of the problem.”
“Cars are murder machines, walking is inefficient, and public transit is for people who haven’t maxed out their REI credit cards yet,” said event organizer Skylar Moonbeam while sipping a fair-trade oat milk latte. “We want Portlanders to understand: if you’re not biking, you’re basically lighting the planet on fire.”
The parade will include themed floats such as ‘SUVs Are The Devil,’ ‘Why Would You Drive When You Could Smugly Pedal?’ and a 30-foot papier-mâché sculpture of a cyclist running a red light.
Residents are advised to avoid downtown Portland during the event, as organizers confirmed they will “absolutely take over all lanes of traffic to assert dominance” and “ding bells at anyone who questions our moral authority.”
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When asked about safety concerns, Moonbeam clarified, “Helmets are oppressive tools of car culture, and if people don’t like being stuck in traffic, they should sell their car and buy a $4,000 gravel bike like the rest of us.”
The parade concludes with a ceremonial mass ring of bike bells to signal their collective superiority before riders disperse to local breweries for kombucha and small-batch kale chips.
