OREGON — A brutally honest report from the Institute of Sad Outcomes has named five small Oregon towns where the odds of a child growing up into a full-blown loser are, frankly, too high to ignore. Factors included crime rates, dropout data, vape-related ER visits, and whether the town’s main attraction is still a functioning Dairy Queen.
Those towns are: Cave Junction, Myrtle Creek, Prineville, Reedsport, and Ontario — where dreams don’t just die, they take up permanent residence.
Cave Junction
"Where the only thing higher than the dropout rate is your neighbor."
Cave Junction sets the tone with its perfect blend of dirt roads, dollar stores, and unchecked teenage chaos. It’s a place where the biggest career move a kid can make is upgrading from shoplifting at Dollar General to shoplifting at Bi-Mart.
Locals say the youth are “resilient,” which is code for “feral but scrappy.” One 12-year-old reportedly started his own lawnmower chop shop behind a mobile home and is considered “an entrepreneur” by town standards.
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Myrtle Creek
"Small-town charm, meth-town results."
Myrtle Creek earns its spot thanks to a unique educational philosophy: “Why learn math when you can start welding at 14?” The town boasts a 97% rate of students knowing someone who’s been tased, and 100% of them believe Monster Energy counts as a meal.
A parent told reporters, “I just want my kid to be better than me. I dropped out in 10th grade, so if he makes it to 11th, that’s progress.”
Prineville
"Data center by day, delinquent generator by night."
Even with a major Facebook facility in town, Prineville continues to thrive as a breeding ground for underachievement. Local kids regularly skip school to “grind crypto” or post conspiracy videos on TikTok from abandoned railcars.
Town officials claim they’re working on youth outreach, but so far the only improvement is an upgraded skate park that now has two ramps and one broken light.
Reedsport
"Where the fish are dying and so are the dreams."
Along the coast, Reedsport has transitioned from logging town to launchpad for apathy. Reedsport kids are reportedly more likely to know how to smoke salmon than fill out a college application.
One teacher confided, “If I had a dollar for every student who said their future plan was ‘probably Alaska,’ I could finally leave this place.”
Ontario
"Idaho’s weird cousin who lives in the garage and sells weed."
Ontario rounds out the list as the eastern Oregon outpost where even GPS gives up halfway there. Known for having more dispensaries than streetlights, Ontario is where kids grow up dreaming of either owning a vape shop or dating someone who does.
A local coach said, “They’re good kids deep down. They just have nothing to do, nowhere to go, and full access to their uncle’s ATV.”
Final Thoughts
While every child has potential, growing up in one of these towns increases the likelihood of becoming a 30-year-old who still brags about “almost making it in MMA.”
Dr. Linda Brutalman summarized it best:
“We’re not saying every kid is doomed. Just that... you might want to start saving for bail instead of college.”
