OREGON COAST — In a scene described by witnesses as “like Gollum but with better accessories,” a Portland man known only as “Dreadmor, Lord of the Drizzle” emerged from a mossy coastal cave on Monday, flinching at the brightness of the midday sun and audibly hissing at a passing jogger.
Witnesses report that the sound was “somewhere between a snake and an old radiator,” and that several seagulls fled the area in a panic. One child allegedly dropped their driftwood sword and whispered, “Is that the cave witch Mommy warned me about?”
Clad entirely in black and pale enough to register as a reflective surface, Dreadmor slowly stepped into the daylight for the first time in over three months. Several beachgoers initially mistook him for a haunted mime or possibly a Scandinavian vampire tour group gone rogue.
“He looked like he hadn’t interacted with anything alive since the mid-2000s,” said witness Talia Gentry. “And I’m pretty sure his boots were crying.”
Dreadmor, a longtime Portland resident, is known among certain Southeast circles for his intense seasonal disappearances. Friends say he retreats each winter to a secluded cave on the Oregon coast to “commune with dampness” and “let the darkness marinate.”
Inside the cave, he reportedly sustained himself on stale protein bars, instant coffee crystals chewed dry, and the occasional pocketful of raw oats “for texture.” Entertainment consisted of journaling with a stick in the cave walls and reciting Edgar Allan Poe aloud to barnacles.
When asked why he chose to return now, Dreadmor simply said, “The tide betrayed me.”
Witnesses say after emerging, he staggered toward civilization, eyes darting beneath smudged eyeliner, muttering something about “solar radiation” and “the tyranny of chirping birds.” He was later spotted lurking behind a sandwich board at a coastal espresso stand, attempting to order a “cold brew with despair.”
“We gave him a drip coffee,” the barista confirmed. “He accepted it without a word and vanished into the mist. I think he left behind some moss.”
He has since been seen wandering Powell’s Books in Portland, reorganizing the poetry section by emotional damage. His Spotify activity currently shows a playlist titled “Wilted Inside (Vol. VII).”
Locals have been advised not to offer him trail mix or ask about his skincare routine, which is believed to involve fog and disdain.
