PORTLAND, OR — In what mall officials are calling “an unfortunate holiday incident,” the Easter Bunny abruptly ended his seasonal duties at the Lloyd Center this weekend after reportedly being ambushed by a 3-year-old wielding toddler-sized brass knuckles and a sippy cup full of Red Bull.
According to traumatized bystanders, the confrontation occurred shortly after the bunny refused to accept a crayon-drawn “IOU” as payment for a photo. Witnesses say the toddler—identified only as “Braxxxtyn”—approached the Easter Bunny with a grin, whispered “I run this mall,” and unleashed a flurry of surprisingly accurate punches to the lower abdomen of the 6'4" man in costume.
“He didn’t even flinch,” said mall shopper Linda Moretti. “That rabbit tried to hop away, but Braxxxtyn swept the legs like he was in a baby fight club.”
The bunny, who asked to remain anonymous due to ongoing trauma and a shredded felt suit, later released a statement via his handler. “This job used to be about joy, jellybeans, and kids screaming in fear when I waved,” he said. “Now it’s about dodging airborne Peeps and defending myself from preschool gang initiations.”
Sources confirmed mall security responded approximately 45 minutes after the incident, citing “light staffing” and an intense debate about whether brass knuckles violate toddler open-carry laws in Multnomah County.
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The child’s mother, a local influencer who goes by @CrunchyMamaVeganWitch, defended her son’s actions. “He’s just expressing his sovereignty,” she said, while livestreaming herself smudging the food court with sage. “If the Easter Bunny can’t handle a little anarchy, maybe he should stay in the forest.”
As of Monday morning, the Easter Bunny has officially tendered his resignation and reportedly fled Portland entirely, citing “hostile work environment” and “an unshakable fear of children named Braxxxtyn, Jaxxtyn, and anything ending in -xtyn.”
Lloyd Center management says they are considering replacing the bunny with a less controversial figure, such as a therapy possum or a guy in a Grinch suit who just vapes and doesn’t make eye contact.
