“I’m good for one more,” said 37-year-old dad of two, Brad Simmons, at precisely 10:15 PM, stunning his coworkers into silence. Witnesses at O’Malley’s Pub reported that the statement was made with the kind of reckless optimism typically reserved for people in their mid-20s or those who still believe they can recover from a night out in under 48 hours.
Brad, a regional sales manager who once considered himself a “weekend warrior” before acquiring a mortgage and lower back issues, had already completed his usual post-8 PM routine of yawning aggressively and checking his phone to see how long it would take to get home. Yet, against all odds, he opted to stay—and, more shockingly, threw back another shot of what appeared to be well vodka.
“I genuinely thought he was joking,” said Steve Carter, a 29-year-old coworker. “I mean, he’s been talking about how tired he is since 7:30. At one point, he said, ‘I don’t even know why I came out,’ so I figured he’d already mentally left. But then he ordered another shot. It was chilling to witness.”
Experts in mid-life social endurance say this move is highly dangerous. “A 37-year-old who says ‘one more’ while holding a shot glass at 10:15 PM is essentially making a legally binding contract with misery,” said Dr. Jenna Alston, a sleep specialist. “By the time that shot is down, he’ll be locked into a cycle of regret, starting with thinking he’ll be fine, followed by existential panic at 11 PM, and concluding with a 3 AM awakening due to dehydration, heartburn, and a sudden, inexplicable urge to Google ‘signs of early liver damage.’”
Despite his outward confidence, sources close to Brad confirmed he had subtly loosened his belt at 9:50 PM and sighed in a way that suggested he was already picturing his bed. His wife, Melissa, when reached for comment, was less than amused.
“Oh, he’s still out? That’s adorable,” she said, her voice dripping with the kind of sarcasm honed by years of broken bedtime promises. “Ask him how he plans on explaining this to our 4-year-old when she wakes him up at 5:30 AM demanding pancakes and cartoons. No, seriously, ask him.”
Brad’s coworkers watched in awe as he bravely took a sip of his final drink, his posture subtly adjusting to relieve pressure on his knees.
“We knew it was over when he started massaging his temple and mumbling about how ‘it’s just not the same as it used to be,’” said coworker Lisa Tran. “By 10:40, he was gripping the edge of the bar like a ship captain bracing for a storm. At 10:45, he pulled out his phone and muttered, ‘Yeah, I should probably head out soon.’ We knew he was done.”
At approximately 10:53 PM, Brad was seen standing near the door, coat in hand, visibly grappling with the universal dad dilemma of whether to make an Irish exit or endure five minutes of goodbyes. Reports indicate he ultimately went with the classic “big stretch followed by a back pat” maneuver before slipping into the night, Uber-bound.
By the time he arrived home at 11:20 PM, Brad had already started calculating how many hours of sleep he’d get and whether it was enough to prevent him from aging five years overnight. Sources say he ultimately fell asleep on the couch in his jeans, waking up at 3:12 AM with a stiff neck, regret, and the haunting realization that his kid would be awake in two hours.
