After 128 years in office, Senator Ron Wyden has announced a bold new infrastructure plan to finally address Oregon’s long-standing wagon wheel crisis. Speaking to reporters from the steps of the U.S. Capitol, Wyden promised that his long-awaited Wagon Wheel Modernization Act would provide “much-needed relief for the good people of Oregon who still rely on wooden spoke technology.”
“When I first came to the Senate, folks were breaking axles left and right,” Wyden reminisced, staring wistfully into the distance. “I promised to fix it, and by golly, I’m delivering now.”
The plan, which will roll out over the next 75 years, includes federal subsidies for sturdier oxen, increased funding for wagon grease research, and a pilot program to replace river fords with structurally sound bridges. Skeptics, however, remain concerned about cost overruns and whether Oregon’s burgeoning automobile industry may soon make wagons obsolete.
Wyden dismissed these concerns, reminding reporters that he has “been around long enough to know a fad when I see one.”
“These so-called ‘automobiles’ are just a passing trend,” Wyden insisted. “We saw the same thing happen with penny farthings, dirigibles, and Oregon Trail dysentery treatments. Give it a few decades, and people will be begging for a reliable wagon again.”
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Despite the bill’s popularity among elderly pioneers, younger Oregonians have voiced skepticism. “I appreciate the effort, but I just want them to pave a single road in Portland, not spend another 50 years debating covered wagon efficiency,” said one concerned citizen.
The legislation now heads to committee, where it will face stiff opposition from the powerful Anti-Wheel Caucus, a group of lawmakers who believe all forms of transportation should be abolished in favor of walking barefoot like the good old days.
Meanwhile, Senator Wyden has vowed to run for reelection in 2030, citing unfinished business, such as securing funding for the long-overdue Gold Rush Stimulus Package and finally settling the debate over whether the Pacific Northwest should be renamed “New Oregon Territory.
