SALEM, OR — With Oregon’s budget once again disappearing into what experts are calling “a large cosmic anomaly in Salem,” Governor Tina Kotek proudly unveiled her brand-new “Wheel of New State Taxes” at a press conference Thursday. The massive carnival-style wheel,...
In a groundbreaking revelation sure to devastate campers nationwide, researchers at the Institute of Outdoors Nuisance Studies confirmed Thursday that 100% of campfire smoke exists solely to stalk whichever poor bastard thought he was safe sitting by the fire. The...
SALEM, OR — Local sources confirmed Tuesday that a Salem man died peacefully in his seat at the Oregon DMV, his skeleton still patiently waiting for its number to be called. Witnesses said the man, who had been waiting for more than six hours, quietly expired sometime...
A new analysis ranking Oregon among the worst states to relocate to has shocked absolutely no one within Oregon’s borders, where the news was met with the kind of smug satisfaction usually reserved for hearing that your least favorite cousin moved back to Ohio. The...
PORTLAND, Ore. — What started as a casual afternoon swim in the Willamette River ended with one local man unintentionally becoming Portland’s newest source of renewable energy. Witnesses say 34-year-old Derek Morrison emerged from the Kelly Point Park section of the...
In a bold move sure to shake up Oregon’s political landscape, former House Minority Leader Christine Drazan has publicly confirmed what many suspected: she is, in fact, into men. The announcement, which came alongside a $55,000 payment to Republican polling firm...
SPRINGFIELD, OR — Sources confirm local man David Palmer spent Thursday evening perfecting the art of marital non-listening, offering a steady stream of “mm-hmms” during his wife’s 14-minute monologue about the Hendersons next door while simultaneously wheezing with...
In a rare moment of bipartisan unity, Americans across the political spectrum confirmed this week that the $4.99 Costco rotisserie chicken is the only thing keeping the United States from plunging into complete and irreversible economic ruin. Economists say the...
SALEM — Governor Tina Kotek has signed what critics are calling “Oregon’s most ambitious piece of lawn equipment legislation in history,” officially classifying all lawn mowers — riding, push, gas, electric, or otherwise — as motor vehicles under state law. The new...
So you’ve made the rookie mistake. You told someone you’re from Oregon. You were just trying to be polite. Maybe you thought they’d ask about Crater Lake or comment on how green everything is. But instead, their eyes lit up and they launched straight into the vortex:...
BEND, Ore. — In what officials are calling “either a miracle or a minor kaiju sighting,” a Bend woman has reportedly reeled in a 7-foot-long crawdad from the Deschutes River. Sarah Lynn Haverford, 33, said she was enjoying a peaceful afternoon by the river when she...
In the misty mountains of the Pacific Northwest, a new romance trend is bubbling up—literally. Experts say that the secret to romance in this neck of the woods might just lie in the region’s famous hot springs. But, there’s a catch: it only works if the right person...