SPRINGFIELD, OR — After discovering that her entire week’s worth of groceries had mysteriously vanished in the dead of night, local mom Karen Delaney is beginning to suspect that her “sweet growing boy” may, in fact, be on the marijuanas. “I don’t want to jump to...
BEND, OR — Letting out a long, cathartic exhale as blood-curdling screams echoed softly through her living room speakers, 36-year-old Shannon Marks reportedly felt a wave of emotional clarity Tuesday evening after watching a Netflix documentary about a woman who was...
SPRINGFIELD, OR — Local woman Kelly Harmon was reportedly enjoying a quiet Saturday morning, sipping coffee and pretending she didn’t have responsibilities, when a chill ran down her spine. “It hit me all at once,” she said, staring into the void. “We’re out of...
OREGON — It was supposed to be just another day of lazy tubing, questionable sunscreen application, and aggressively warm seltzers. But for one local woman, the universe had something deeper in store — a reckoning of the soul, delivered via footwear. Kayla Dunham, 31,...
NOGALES, AZ — Migrants attempting to cross the U.S.-Mexico border fled in confusion and terror this week after federal agents deployed a towering AI-generated hologram of former President Donald Trump riding a bald eagle, sources confirmed. Witnesses say the...
PALM BEACH, FL — After years of public praise, private DMs, and the occasional awkward photo op, former President Donald J. Trump and tech billionaire Elon Musk have officially filed for divorce, ending what many believed to be the most chaotic power couple in modern...
OREGON — A beloved Oregon hiking trail once known only to a handful of locals, several deer, and one suspiciously territorial raccoon has now been declared “completely over” after being featured in the debut episode of influencer Sage Emberly’s new video series,...
PORTLAND, OR — In a bold new move that critics are calling “deeply Portland” and supporters are calling “like, super healing,” city leaders have announced a sweeping initiative to phase out the word “police” entirely and replace the Portland Police Bureau with a newly...
PORTLAND, OR — In a groundbreaking move hailed by city leaders as a “compassion-centered innovation,” Portland has officially replaced its overwhelmed 911 emergency response system with a calming AI assistant programmed to repeatedly say, “That must have been scary.”...
SALEM, Ore. (AP) — Oregon lawmakers are considering a controversial new proposal that would remove biological girls from girls’ sports teams in public schools and universities, a move supporters say is necessary to promote fairness, inclusivity, and “repair centuries...
PORTLAND, OR — Chaos erupted in the Thompson household Wednesday evening when 19-year-old Antifa member Brayden Thompson was once again grounded after skipping his chores to attend a “Riot for Justice and Mild Property Damage” protest downtown. Brayden, a part-time...
BANDON, OR — In what authorities are calling “the least surprising twist in an already shocking investigation,” a raccoon that recently escaped from the embattled West Coast Game Park Safari was discovered Tuesday night hunched behind a Dollar Tree, clutching a meth...