In a baffling but somehow deeply Oregonian development, state officials have confirmed that the recently vacated site of Haystack Rock at Cannon Beach has now been filled with the Oregon Pioneer—better known as the Gold Man from atop the Oregon State Capitol. The...
PORTLAND, OR — Local accountant Greg Waller, 42, expressed mild admiration through clenched teeth Thursday evening as he sat motionless in traffic for the third consecutive hour due to a massive anti-Trump protest downtown. “This protest sure is neato,” Waller...
EUGENE, OR — City officials are urging residents to stop feeding psychedelic mushrooms to local squirrels, after what one parks employee described as a “full-blown squirrel consciousness shift” unfolded near the duck pond at Alton Baker Park earlier this week. “We’ve...
SWEET HOME, OR — After weeks of intense financial planning and one extremely awkward meeting with a steak loan officer, local dad Ron Beckett has officially secured a down payment on two USDA Choice ribeye steaks—just in time for his long-awaited weekend BBQ. “We had...
Salem, Oregon — In a moving display of parental love mixed with economic nihilism, local couple Doug and Melissa Jenkins sat their 17-year-old son Caleb down Tuesday night for what they solemnly called “The American Dream Talk”—a beloved Jenkins family tradition in...
SPRINGFIELD, OR — Residents of a quiet suburban street were once again reassured by the familiar clanking of socket wrenches and muttered profanity echoing through the neighborhood as that really cool methy neighbor resumed work on his eternally disassembled Honda...
BEND, OR — Brad Collins, a proud Bend transplant who moved from San Diego just 13 months ago, is reportedly really getting sick of all the Californians flooding into town like they own the place. “Everywhere I look it’s Teslas, goldendoodles, and someone in a...
“At first it was just trees. Then it was THE trees.” OREGON CASCADES — A groundbreaking new study from the Pacific Northwest Institute of Vibes has revealed what most Oregon hikers already know in their hearts: hiking is pretty mid until the edibles hit. According to...
PORTLAND, OR — Chaos erupted in a local community Slack channel today after a Portland man reportedly became deeply offended by the headline of an article that hadn’t even been written yet. Sources confirm that 32-year-old River Moss-Fernwood (they/them), who...
MINNETONKA, MN — In a daring move sure to disrupt the healthcare industry, UnitedHealthcare unveiled its most ambitious policy overhaul yet: a bold new plan to cover absolutely nothing. “We’ve listened to our customers,” said CEO Clive E. Denial, during a press...
In a moment theologians are already calling “the chillest entrance into the afterlife on record,” actor Val Kilmer ascended to Heaven yesterday and gained immediate entry by softly uttering his iconic Tombstone line — “I’m your huckleberry” — into a slightly outdated...
SPRINGFIELD, OR — Sources confirmed Wednesday that 43-year-old Tyler Blevins, divorced father of three and assistant manager at the Eugene AutoZone, radiated unshakable confidence while mouthing the entire second verse of Limp Bizkit’s “Re-Arranged” during his morning...