In a bold move sure to shake up Oregon’s political landscape, former House Minority Leader Christine Drazan has publicly confirmed what many suspected: she is, in fact, into men. The announcement, which came alongside a $55,000 payment to Republican polling firm...
Humor
Husband Says “Mm-Hmm” 26 Times During Wife’s Rant About Neighbors While Laughing Alone at George’s Wallet Scene
SPRINGFIELD, OR — Sources confirm local man David Palmer spent Thursday evening perfecting the art of marital non-listening, offering a steady stream of “mm-hmms” during his wife’s 14-minute monologue about the Hendersons next door while simultaneously wheezing with...
Nation Agrees $4.99 Costco Chicken Only Thing Preventing Total Economic Collapse
In a rare moment of bipartisan unity, Americans across the political spectrum confirmed this week that the $4.99 Costco rotisserie chicken is the only thing keeping the United States from plunging into complete and irreversible economic ruin. Economists say the...
Tina Kotek Announces All Oregon Lawn Mowers Now Considered Vehicles, Requires License Plates
SALEM — Governor Tina Kotek has signed what critics are calling “Oregon’s most ambitious piece of lawn equipment legislation in history,” officially classifying all lawn mowers — riding, push, gas, electric, or otherwise — as motor vehicles under state law. The new...
10 Tips on How to Immediately Derail the Portland Talk After Admitting You’re From Oregon
So you’ve made the rookie mistake. You told someone you’re from Oregon. You were just trying to be polite. Maybe you thought they’d ask about Crater Lake or comment on how green everything is. But instead, their eyes lit up and they launched straight into the vortex:...
Bend Woman Catches 7-Foot Crawdad in Deschutes River
BEND, Ore. — In what officials are calling “either a miracle or a minor kaiju sighting,” a Bend woman has reportedly reeled in a 7-foot-long crawdad from the Deschutes River. Sarah Lynn Haverford, 33, said she was enjoying a peaceful afternoon by the river when she...
Experts Say Hot Springs Are the Secret to Romance if the Right Person Sees You
In the misty mountains of the Pacific Northwest, a new romance trend is bubbling up—literally. Experts say that the secret to romance in this neck of the woods might just lie in the region’s famous hot springs. But, there’s a catch: it only works if the right person...
Ozzy Osbourne To Headline Heaven’s Main Stage, Lucifer Sues For Breach Of Contract
HEAVEN — In what celestial insiders are calling the most shocking lineup shakeup in millennia, sources confirmed Tuesday that heavy metal icon Ozzy Osbourne will headline Heaven’s main stage this summer, prompting Lucifer himself to file a breach of contract lawsuit...
New Oregon Coast Park Lets Tourists Ride Dolphins Like Sea Cowboys
BANDON, OR — In a bold move that has marine biologists questioning their life choices, a new Oregon Coast attraction is allowing visitors to “saddle up” and ride dolphins like aquatic cowboys. The park, officially named Flipper Junction Adventure Park, opened this...
New Floating Weed Shop Turns Crater Lake Into Oregon’s Most Relaxed Tourist Attraction
CRATER LAKE, OR — In a bold move that has park rangers scratching their heads and several kayakers bobbing in approval, Oregon’s first floating marijuana dispensary officially opened this week on Crater Lake. The aptly named “Lake and Bake Cannabis Co.” is a...
Spirit Halloween Announces Bold Plan to Occupy Every Downtown Portland Storefront by Fall
PORTLAND, OR — In what company executives are calling their “most ambitious expansion yet,” Spirit Halloween announced Tuesday that it will seize the opportunity presented by Portland’s vacant downtown to convert every empty storefront into a seasonal costume...
Report: Another Guy Gets “Unique” Forest Tattoo on Forearm
PORTLAND, OR — In a development surprising no one, another guy in the Pacific Northwest has reportedly gotten a tattoo of a forest on his forearm. Witnesses say the man, identified only as “Kyle,” emerged from a local tattoo studio Tuesday afternoon sporting a...