PORTLAND, OR — In a city where expressing even the slightest nuance can result in immediate social exile, local man Brian Callahan has reportedly survived another week in Portland without being outed as a moderate — thanks to a carefully rehearsed “blank, vaguely empathetic stare” he now deploys whenever someone goes off about capitalism, cis-heteronormativity, or why rent should be illegal.
“I used to make the mistake of nodding thoughtfully,” said Callahan, 38, “but then someone assumed I agreed that breathing without guilt is an act of privilege. That was a close call.”
Friends and acquaintances say they’ve never suspected Brian might be a both-sides-ing centrist scumlord, largely due to his stone-faced expression during high-intensity group rants. “He just stares at the floor like he’s thinking about the revolution,” said friend Ash (they/them). “Total vibe match.”
The breakthrough came after Brian spent two weekends in front of a mirror practicing what he calls the “Portland Neutral Face — a facial technique that communicates nothing but soft suffering and a general awareness that everything is problematic. “It’s harder than it looks,” he said. “You have to look just woke enough to pass, but not so engaged that someone asks your opinion on carceral gender systems.”
Sources confirm that Brian has even mastered the subtle head tilt that suggests he’s listening deeply, while internally screaming, “I just think both parties are terrible.”
Brian’s survival tactics include:
- Wearing a faded 'Black Lives Matter' pin on a vintage Carhartt jacket
- Occasionally whispering, “This is occupied land,” before eating a burrito
- Complaining about Amazon while secretly renewing his Prime membership
Despite the success of his disguise, Brian admits he lives in constant fear of slipping up. “One wrong sigh when someone mentions ‘late-stage capitalism’ and it’s over. They’ll smell the moderation on me. It’s like blood in the water.”
Brian was last seen nodding blankly while someone explained why road maintenance is a form of ecological imperialism.
