VATICAN CITY — In a historic and deeply confusing moment for the Catholic Church, newly appointed Pope Robert I — the first American pope in history — made his debut Wednesday morning atop the balcony of St. Peter’s Basilica wearing a beige cowboy hat and a soft Midwestern grin.
The hat, which Vatican aides confirmed was “absolutely not part of the papal wardrobe,” immediately replaced the traditional white zucchetto — the small skullcap worn by popes for centuries — and sent shockwaves through the global Catholic community.
“We thought he might bring a different perspective,” said Cardinal Lorenzo Spagetti. “We just didn’t expect that perspective to come with a ten-gallon hat and the phrase ‘Howdy, sinners.’”
The Chicago-born pope, known for his practical approach to theology and deep fondness for diner coffee, waved to the crowd with both hands raised and shouted, “God bless y’all!” before adding, “And yes, this is God’s country now.”
The Vatican press office scrambled to assure reporters that the cowboy hat was “merely symbolic” and not a sign of doctrinal change. However, by mid-afternoon, the gift shop had already started selling limited-edition papal belt buckles reading Viva Il Pope.
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Inside sources say Pope Robert has no immediate plans to alter church teachings, though he has reportedly asked if communion wafers “could be just a little more buttery, like a Ritz.”
Catholics across the U.S. expressed pride and relief. “It’s about time,” said Linda Carmichael of Des Moines. “We finally have a pope who understands the struggle of finding parking at church on Sundays.”
Meanwhile, international leaders appeared cautiously optimistic. French President Emmanuel Macron welcomed the American pope’s appointment, though he was overheard asking if the next encyclical would be issued in bullet points and come with a side of ranch.
Back at the Vatican, murmurs of change continue to ripple through the marble halls. One anonymous cardinal noted, “We’re just hoping he doesn’t install cupholders in the Popemobile. Again.”
As for Pope Robert I, he remains unfazed. When asked why he chose the cowboy hat over the centuries-old mitre, he simply smiled and replied, “Because the Lord said shepherds should look the part.”
