CORVALLIS, OR — In a bold step toward what city leaders are calling “radical inclusion,” Corvallis has officially declared itself a sanctuary city for gender-diverse individuals — and with it, implemented a new entry requirement: visitors must now present at least four pronouns to legally enter city limits.
The announcement comes after a unanimous City Council vote solidifying Corvallis as a refuge for “transgender, intersex, nonbinary, and gender-diverse people,” a move hailed by supporters as a progressive milestone and by confused delivery drivers as “a logistical nightmare.”
“Let’s be clear,” said a visibly emotional councilmember during the announcement, “this isn’t just about tolerance — it’s about giving each person the freedom to be as plural as they feel inside. Four pronouns is a baseline. Five is celebrated. Six or more and you qualify for express lane service at City Hall.”
According to the ordinance, acceptable pronoun combinations include classics like “they/them/theirs/themself,” trendy neo-pronouns like “xe/xir/xyrs/xemself,” and DIY options such as “blip/blorp/blips/blorpself,” which was added to accommodate the local furry academic community.
To ensure compliance, highway signs now greet travelers with:
“Welcome to Corvallis: Declare Your Pronouns or Turn Back.”
Those unable to provide four or more are gently redirected to Albany, where the only requirement is being mad at Corvallis.
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Local residents have adapted quickly. One barista at a downtown coffee shop was seen wearing a nametag that read:
“Hi! My name is Moss (they/them/it/ambient/gloam)”
— a label that reportedly changed twice during the customer's order.
Critics say the measure is performative and could lead to confusion, but city officials pushed back. “You think it's confusing now?” said one councilmember. “Just wait until we roll out Phase Two: Gender-Neutral Parking Meters and Emotional Support Crosswalks.”
At press time, city staff were seen working on a new public restroom policy that will eliminate traditional signage in favor of interpretive dance performances indicating which stall to use.
