In a shocking turn of events, Portland officials announced that this year’s highly anticipated Naked Bike Ride has been abruptly canceled after the city completely ran out of eye bleach. The shortage occurred just days before the annual event, leaving local residents in a state of panic as they scrambled to cope with the horrifying memories of previous rides.
City spokesperson Jamie “Please-Don’t-Make-Me-Describe-It” Simmons explained the decision, stating, “We simply cannot risk another year of unfiltered visuals. We’ve exhausted our emergency reserves of eye bleach, and even the industrial-strength shipments from out of state weren’t enough. We’re doing this for public safety, really.”
Sources report that local pharmacies and grocery stores saw massive crowds hoarding anything that promised to cleanse their corneas—from heavy-duty soap to vinegar, even pineapple juice. “I’m not taking any chances,” said one Portland resident while clutching six bottles of drain cleaner. “I looked directly at last year’s ride, and I still can’t look at a bicycle seat without breaking into a cold sweat.”
Organizers were quick to offer an alternative solution, suggesting that participants simply cover themselves with giant, strategically placed cardboard boxes labeled “Please Use Your Imagination.” However, this idea was quickly scrapped after officials realized it would simply lead to cardboard shortages, which Portland cannot afford since it needs them to house the city’s supply of kombucha.
In a final desperate attempt to salvage the event, the city considered handing out sunglasses dark enough to block out the sun, but local officials deemed this approach insufficient. “We tried the glasses last year,” said Simmons, visibly shuddering. “They did nothing.”
In place of the Naked Bike Ride, Portland will host an event called “The Modestly Clothed Bike Ride,” where participants are encouraged to wear anything from burlap sacks to full suits of armor. “We’re hoping this catches on,” said Simmons. “It’s a lot easier on the eyes, and frankly, we could all use a break.”
Until then, residents are advised to stay indoors, avoid eye contact with any uncovered cyclists, and never, under any circumstances, Google “Portland Naked Bike Ride 2025.” It’s for their own good.
Disclaimer: This article is complete satire and intended for humorous purposes only. The events described are fictional and not based on real-life occurrences.
