PORTLAND, Ore. — In what officials are calling a deeply troubling development, a 34 year old Portland resident has been placed on a community watchlist after failing to attend, organize, or aggressively livestream a single protest this week.
According to neighbors, the man was seen Saturday morning drinking locally roasted coffee on his porch without holding a sign, chanting, or condemning capitalism in any visible way.
“It started Monday,” said one concerned block captain, who asked to remain anonymous but was wearing three protest pins and a ‘Smash Something’ hoodie. “There was a rally against late stage brunch pricing downtown. He didn’t show. Then on Tuesday we marched against aggressive sunshine. Nothing. By Thursday we were all asking the same question. Is he okay?”
Sources confirm the man’s absence from multiple demonstrations including Stop Sidewalk Gentrification Now, Abolish Daylight Savings, and the weekly Keep Portland Weird But Only In Approved Ways gathering raised immediate red flags.
“He posted a picture of his sourdough starter instead of a solidarity graphic,” said a local activist while adjusting a megaphone. “That’s usually the first sign.”
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City officials quickly launched an inquiry after discovering the man had spent Wednesday evening watching a documentary without once pausing it to tweet outrage.
“We cannot allow this level of complacency,” said a spokesperson for the Bureau of Civic Engagement and Mild Panic. “Portland has standards. At minimum, residents are expected to protest at least three things per week, one of which must involve a handmade cardboard sign.”
The situation escalated Friday when the man reportedly admitted he “just wanted a quiet week.”
Witnesses say the comment was met with audible gasps, followed by someone fainting near a bike rack.
Neighbors have since offered to help the man reintegrate by forwarding him a list of 47 approved causes currently trending within city limits. A candlelight vigil has been scheduled to process the trauma of his temporary neutrality.
At press time, the man was seen cautiously attending a small rally against gluten intolerance denialism, holding a sign that read “I Am So Sorry,” while authorities confirmed his watchlist status may be downgraded pending improved levels of visible outrage.
