EUGENE, Ore. — What began as a quick Saturday morning run for paper towels and a rotisserie chicken has reportedly turned into a full coming-of-age saga for local father Brent Halvorsen, who aged approximately 14 years while waiting for a front-row parking spot at Costco.
Witnesses say Halvorsen entered the parking lot at 10:42 a.m., optimistic, hydrated, and full of purpose. By 11:03, he had entered what experts describe as “the hover phase,” slowly stalking a shopper loading bulk LaCroix into their SUV while pretending not to apply pressure.
By 11:19, the shopper’s cousin appeared.
By 11:47, the cousin began reorganizing the trunk.
By noon, Halvorsen had developed faint crow’s feet and a deep mistrust of humanity.
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“I’ve already committed,” he was heard muttering while gripping the steering wheel of his Subaru with the intensity of a man who refuses to park 37 feet farther away. “I didn’t wait this long to give up now.”
Family members inside the vehicle confirm the transformation was gradual but undeniable.
“At first Dad was making jokes,” said his 8-year-old son. “Then he started sighing. Then he stopped blinking for a while.”
Around 12:15 p.m., a competing vehicle — described by authorities as “a silver SUV with nothing left to lose” — attempted to nose in from the opposite direction. The standoff reportedly lasted long enough for both drivers to reflect on their childhoods.
By 12:28 p.m., Halvorsen had a visible five-o’clock shadow, despite having been clean-shaven that morning.
Experts say the Costco parking lot creates a unique time dilation effect, particularly on weekends between 10:30 a.m. and 2 p.m., when every single resident of the Pacific Northwest simultaneously realizes they’re down to their last rotisserie chicken.
“It’s not uncommon,” said one anonymous cart attendant who has “seen things.” “People come in young. They leave with lower back pain and a thousand-yard stare.”
At approximately 12:41 p.m., the long-awaited brake lights flashed. Angels did not sing, but a child somewhere dropped a churro. The space was finally his.
Sources confirm Halvorsen parked successfully, exited the vehicle slowly, stretched for a concerning amount of time, and walked toward the entrance with the posture of a man who has seen war.
Inside, he immediately purchased $386 worth of items he did not plan on buying.
As of press time, Brent has reportedly begun circling again after realizing he forgot to grab olive oil.
