In a groundbreaking revelation sure to devastate campers nationwide, researchers at the Institute of Outdoors Nuisance Studies confirmed Thursday that 100% of campfire smoke exists solely to stalk whichever poor bastard thought he was safe sitting by the fire.
The peer-reviewed study, published in the prestigious Journal of Unnecessary Suffering, found that smoke particles form an almost sentient coalition to ensure maximum eye-watering, coughing, and “Jesus Christ, why me?” outbursts.
“No matter how often the victim scoots their lawn chair, rotates 45 degrees, or even flees across the campsite, smoke will immediately reroute like a vindictive GPS system,” lead researcher Dr. Janice Forrester said. “The other eight people around the fire remain perfectly comfortable, smugly sipping their beers, while one man repeatedly gets waterboarded by Mother Nature.”
Scientists observed one test subject stand up, shuffle counterclockwise around the fire pit three full rotations, and finally sit ten feet away in a camp chair facing the woods—only for the smoke plume to do a sharp U-turn and nail him directly in the eyeballs within seconds.
Campfire smoke particles were later overheard in microscopic interviews saying things like, “We know what we’re about,” and “This is personal.”
Researchers say the only known defenses are sitting inside your car with the windows rolled up, or crying yourself to sleep in the tent while everyone else enjoys s’mores.
