Trump Released the List, But It Wasn’t the List, Since There’s No List, Except for the List That Isn’t a List

by | Jul 8, 2025 | News, Satire

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press briefing that left the nation more confused than ever, President Donald Trump assured Americans that the Epstein client list was released, except it wasn’t really the list, because there is no list, apart from the list that isn’t technically a list.

“We released the list, a very beautiful list, but it wasn’t the list because, frankly, there’s no list,” Trump said, gesturing toward a massive gold binder sitting on the Resolute Desk. “But it was sort of the list, in a way, because people are saying it looks like a list. The Fake News is mad because they wanted a different list, but that list doesn’t exist. Never existed. Except maybe it did. Who knows?”

When pressed by reporters about whether the binder contained the names of Epstein’s clients, Trump doubled down.

“Look, if there was a list — which there isn’t — this would be the list, okay? Everybody says so. People are calling it the best list that isn’t a list ever released. But DOJ says there’s no list, so this isn’t the list. But also… it’s kind of the list. Very strong list. Legendary not-list. Better than Obama’s lists, I can tell you that.”

At one point, a reporter asked if the binder contained any information at all. Trump responded, “Of course it does. Tremendous information. Tremendous. But it’s not the information about the list, because there is no list, except for the list that wasn’t a list but still felt like a list. You understand. Everyone understands. Except the haters.”

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Insiders later revealed the binder is filled with menus from Trump properties, a Mar-a-Lago guest list from 2015, and a single sheet of paper reading “STOP ASKING ABOUT THE LIST.”

At press time, Trump posted on Truth Social: “THE LIST IS PERFECT. THERE’S NO LIST. EVERYONE AGREES. EVEN THE PEOPLE WHO HATE ME.”


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Written By Tyler James

Tyler James, founder of That Oregon Life, is a true Oregon native whose love for his state runs deep. Since the inception of the blog in 2013, his unbridled passion for outdoor adventures and the natural beauty of Oregon has been the cornerstone of his work. As a father to two beautiful children, Tyler is always in pursuit of new experiences to enrich his family’s life. He curates content that not only reflects his adventures but also encourages others to set out and create precious memories in the majestic landscapes of Oregon. Tyler's vision and guidance are integral to his role as publisher and editor, shaping the blog into a source of inspiration for exploring the wonders of Oregon.

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