WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press briefing that left the nation more confused than ever, President Donald Trump assured Americans that the Epstein client list was released, except it wasn’t really the list, because there is no list, apart from the list that isn’t technically a list.
“We released the list, a very beautiful list, but it wasn’t the list because, frankly, there’s no list,” Trump said, gesturing toward a massive gold binder sitting on the Resolute Desk. “But it was sort of the list, in a way, because people are saying it looks like a list. The Fake News is mad because they wanted a different list, but that list doesn’t exist. Never existed. Except maybe it did. Who knows?”
When pressed by reporters about whether the binder contained the names of Epstein’s clients, Trump doubled down.
“Look, if there was a list — which there isn’t — this would be the list, okay? Everybody says so. People are calling it the best list that isn’t a list ever released. But DOJ says there’s no list, so this isn’t the list. But also… it’s kind of the list. Very strong list. Legendary not-list. Better than Obama’s lists, I can tell you that.”
At one point, a reporter asked if the binder contained any information at all. Trump responded, “Of course it does. Tremendous information. Tremendous. But it’s not the information about the list, because there is no list, except for the list that wasn’t a list but still felt like a list. You understand. Everyone understands. Except the haters.”
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Insiders later revealed the binder is filled with menus from Trump properties, a Mar-a-Lago guest list from 2015, and a single sheet of paper reading “STOP ASKING ABOUT THE LIST.”
At press time, Trump posted on Truth Social: “THE LIST IS PERFECT. THERE’S NO LIST. EVERYONE AGREES. EVEN THE PEOPLE WHO HATE ME.”
