SPRINGFIELD, OR — Panic broke out Monday afternoon when a pack of hungry cougars stormed the Springfield Walmart, raiding shelves and sending shoppers sprinting for the exits.
Witnesses say the animals first appeared in the parking lot around 2 p.m., circling shopping carts and eyeing customers loading groceries into their cars. Moments later, the big cats slipped through the sliding glass doors and made a direct beeline for the meat department.
“They didn’t even hesitate,” said Walmart greeter Doris Perkins, 78, who survived the encounter by hiding behind a Mountain Dew display. “They went straight for the rotisserie chickens like they knew exactly where they were.”
But the carnage didn’t stop there. After devouring several family packs of ground beef and toppling a freezer of chicken nuggets, the cougars reportedly migrated to aisle nine where they discovered a 2-for-1 catnip sale.
“It was pure madness,” said assistant manager Brad Tully. “They tore open every single bag of catnip, rolled around like maniacs, and started batting around the clearance-section squeaky toys. I swear one of them was purring.”
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Animal Control arrived within the hour but decided to remain in their vehicles after one cougar was spotted reclining in a motorized scooter near the electronics section, casually licking barbecue sauce off its paws.
“They’re clearly in no rush to leave,” said Wildlife Officer Janine Brooks. “We might just have to let them finish their shopping.”
As of press time, the cougars had taken over the garden center for an afternoon nap and were reportedly eyeing a pallet of jumbo-sized Goldfish crackers as their next target.
Walmart corporate has yet to issue a formal statement but sources say executives are considering new signage reading: “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Fangs, No Service.”
