SPRINGFIELD, OR — After discovering that her entire week’s worth of groceries had mysteriously vanished in the dead of night, local mom Karen Delaney is beginning to suspect that her “sweet growing boy” may, in fact, be on the marijuanas.
“I don’t want to jump to conclusions,” said Karen, standing in front of her completely gutted fridge. “But when a 16-year-old eats an entire meatloaf, two boxes of cereal, three Snack Packs, a sleeve of Oreos, and what I thought was emergency lasagna, you start to ask questions.”
The incident reportedly occurred sometime around 11 p.m. Wednesday night, shortly after Tyler Delaney returned from his friend’s garage “smelling like Axe body spray and ganja,” according to family sources.
“I got up to get some water,” said Karen. “And there he was — shirtless, glassy-eyed, standing in front of the fridge holding a cold hot dog in one hand and a spoonful of peanut butter in the other. I asked what he was doing and he just said, ‘Snack quest.’”
Despite mounting evidence, Karen still isn’t ready to fully accept the truth.
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“He’s a growing boy,” she insisted. “Maybe his metabolism is just… peaking? And the red eyes were from… allergies? Probably dust. We do need to clean behind the TV.”
Her husband, Rick, was less diplomatic. “That kid was baked out of his skull,” he said. “He put a Pop-Tart in the toaster sideways and called it ‘experimental cuisine.’”
Tyler reportedly denies being under the influence of anything, telling his mom that he just “really appreciates food on a spiritual level now” and “felt a strong emotional connection to the meatloaf.”
The grocery damage is still being tallied. Karen estimates the boy consumed $147 worth of food in one sitting and left behind a single half-eaten carrot on the counter “as some kind of offering.”
Of particular concern was the total disappearance of a brand-new box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, which Karen had been “saving for Saturday morning,” but which Tyler apparently consumed dry, directly from the box, while sitting crisscross-applesauce on the living room floor.
When asked if she planned to confront him about possible marijuana use, Karen hesitated.
“Maybe,” she said. “But first I need to go to Costco. Again.”
