BANDON, OR — In what authorities are calling “the least surprising twist in an already shocking investigation,” a raccoon that recently escaped from the embattled West Coast Game Park Safari was discovered Tuesday night hunched behind a Dollar Tree, clutching a meth pipe and muttering about “deep state zookeepers.”
The raccoon, now unofficially named Tweaky, had been missing for several days following a police raid on the roadside zoo that uncovered 80 grams of meth, 44 firearms (including one machine gun), $1.6 million in cash and cashier’s checks, and a tiger corpse chilling next to the animal food.
Witnesses say they saw Tweaky pacing behind the store around 2 a.m., nervously gnawing on a Funyun bag and aggressively washing his hands in a puddle.
“He looked like he hadn’t slept in three days,” said local resident Janelle Crutchley. “Kept asking if anyone had a lighter or some old sardines. His pupils were the size of quarters. I don’t even think he blinked.”
Authorities arrived on the scene shortly after Tweaky reportedly attempted to trade a half-eaten Slim Jim for “more crank.” Officers say the raccoon resisted arrest, darted into a recycling bin, then gave an impassioned speech about animal liberation and property rights.
“He was clearly high as hell,” said Sgt. Randy Billings of the Coos County Sheriff’s Office. “Told us he’d been ‘self-medicating for stress’ and blamed his addiction on an abusive capuchin monkey named Lorenzo.”
The West Coast Game Park Safari has faced national scrutiny after a recent investigation uncovered widespread animal abuse, deplorable living conditions, and enough narcotics to start a zoo-themed episode of Breaking Bad. According to whistleblower reports, the facility's so-called “enrichment program” included Mountain Dew IV drips and daily screenings of Tiger King.
Animal rights groups say Tweaky’s situation is a tragic but predictable outcome.
“When raccoons are forced to live in a zoo run by a guy who moonlights as a meth chef and stores dead tigers in Tupperware, this is what happens,” said Amber Vine, a spokesperson for RAGE (Rodents Against Gross Environments). “Tweaky is a victim. He deserves rehab, not ridicule.”
In the meantime, the raccoon has been placed in protective custody at a local wildlife rehab center, where staff say he’s showing progress.
“He’s still twitchy and keeps trying to dismantle the HVAC system,” said one handler. “But we got him off meth by giving him cold brew and a fidget spinner.”
The West Coast Game Park Safari remains under investigation by nearly every agency with a badge, a clipboard, or a conscience. The zoo’s owner, Brian Tenney, has been released pending further charges but reportedly declined to comment, muttering something about “the raccoon flipping on him.”
As for Tweaky, he’s expected to make a full recovery. A GoFundMe titled “Get This Methy Trash Panda a Fresh Start” has already raised over $3,000 in emotional support rotisserie chickens and vape pens.
“We’re just glad he’s safe,” said Crutchley. “Even if he did try to steal my purse and accuse me of being a CIA op.”
[Developing]: Lorenzo the Capuchin Monkey is now missing. Last seen headed toward Coquille in a stolen Toyota Camry.
