SALEM, OR — A routine grocery run at the WinCo Foods off Commercial Street in Salem turned into a full-blown auditory crisis Friday morning after a local child—described by witnesses as "small but emotionally explosive"—unleashed a battle cry somewhere between a velociraptor and a foghorn near the broccoli display.
The sniveling brat in question, armed with nothing but a plastic headband and an iron grip on the shopping cart, reportedly began screaming after what sources believe was a firm maternal denial of candy. “It wasn’t even the good candy,” said one witness, shaking his head near the bananas. “Just a knockoff gummy bear bag. But the scream… it came from deep within.”
Fellow shoppers ducked for cover, with several taking refuge behind the cereal boxes. One elderly man in the frozen foods section was seen holding a package of peas over his ears. “I haven’t heard a sound like that since ’Nam,” he muttered.
Despite the chaos, the girl's mother remained impressively calm—possibly in a trance-like state—mumbling “you’re just hungry” while tossing baby carrots into the cart, as if beta-carotene could fix what was clearly a Category 5 tantrum.
Store management briefly considered evacuating the premises but ultimately decided to just turn the store radio volume up in vain. “We tried playing Enya,” said assistant manager Rick Halvorson. “Didn’t even dent the noise.”
At press time, the child was still mid-scream, her eyes locked in defiance, her small fists white-knuckled on the cart like a conductor directing an invisible orchestra of chaos. No hostages were taken, but several shoppers left behind full carts, murmuring something about ordering groceries online from now on.
