Last updated on January 16th, 2018 at 10:29 am
Why is Oregon the number one place to move to? I honestly have no idea, but the latest news articles want to convince you that somehow this state is paradise on Earth and the whole country is moving here in droves. I’ve lived here my whole life, and let me the first to tell you, this place is miserable and it SUCKS BIG TIME. So if you’re considering moving here, I’d reconsider. I personally can’t wait to get out of this place, it’s a real nightmare living in Oregon. You’ll probably think twice after reading my 14 reasons as to why the beaver state really isn’t all its cracked up to be.
1. Tweakers are everywhere
Ever watched an episode of Breaking Bad? This will basically be your daily life living in Oregon. The meth heads are rampant here. I grew up in a place known as Springfield, which locals like to refer to as Spunfield. If you don’t believe it’s bad here, just take a drive down main street in Springfield anytime of the week. I’m convinced the zombie apocalypse has already started right here in Oregon. If they aren’t zombies, you could’ve fooled me. The tweakers on mountain bikes especially exhibit zombie-like behavior. They love to swerve in front of you when you’re driving 40mph down the road, it’s actually pretty damn scary. Oh and if you drive a Honda here, consider it gone, because a tweaker will most definitely steal your Honda.
2. The rain never stops
Theres a reason Oregon is one of the most depressing states to live in, our skies are always grey and the rain never lets up here. It’s rare you meet someone with a swimming pool. Honestly, we don’t need a pool because in reality Oregon is just a huge swimming pool. You can’t even go to work without being drenched by continuous downpours. Plus, Oregonians are crazy enough to go and do things in the rain like fishing. I’m guessing you don’t want to be wet all the time, and you’ve probably never fished in your life. Who the hell wants to sit around holding a fishing pole anyways? Sounds pretty boring right? Speaking of boring…
3. Oregon is about as fun as watching paint dry
Talk about the most Boring place to live in the world. Everything closes at 2am, and then the whole state shuts down. The only people you’ll find past 2am awake are those zombie tweakers I mentioned earlier, and crazy drunk people. Did I mention you can’t just stroll into the grocery store and buy a bottle? You’re forced to go to the liquor store to buy your favorite drink, and most of these places close by 9pm. Talk about inconvenient! Ok, so you don’t have to drink to have fun. I get it, I’m not big on drinking either. Sorry to disappoint you, but your lifes going to suck even more here if you don’t drink because there is literally nothing to do outside meeting up at the pub and waking up to a bad decision from the night before.
4. Oregonians already hate you
Still thinking about moving to Oregon? Better think twice. In case you didn’t know it, nobody in Oregon wants you here. I know what you’re thinking, “Oregon looks like paradise! What a beautiful place to move to, it looks so peaceful and OMG the mountains!” Newsflash bitch, it’s not so pretty and everybody here already hates you. If you move here from California, Oregonians have a special kind of hate for you. Don’t ask me why that is, it just is. I can’t make this stuff up. Oregonians really don’t like people moving here, especially Californians. Don’t believe me? Ask anyone who’s moved here from out of state, the years go by and they are still not accepted as true Oregonians. Imagine walking through the mall and everyone looking at you like you just banged their wife. Oregonians can literally smell a transplant a mile away, you’ll be lucky to survive 6 months here.
5. Deadly earthquakes
If you love your life, you might as well forget about moving to Oregon, because you’re probably going to die. If you haven’t read the latest, according to every news source the “big one” is definitely coming very soon, and 3.97 million Oregonians are most likely all going to perish any day now. Hope you can swim, I hear the Pacific Ocean gets pretty cold too.
6. You’ll wait forever for someone else to pump your gas
Oh you have an important business meeting to attend to? Well you better let them know to start without you, because on any given day you can expect to wait at least 2 hours just for someone to come pump gas into that fancy car of yours. That’s right, Oregon doesn’t trust you enough to pump your own gas. In our state, aside from some rural areas in Oregon, Fuel Attendant Professionals handle this for you. Since we are talking about your fancy car, you can forget about that whole car wash thing. The weather is so bad here it’ll constantly be muddy and getting dented by hail the size of golf balls. There’s literally hail everyday, and it’s actually pretty dangerous sometimes. Worst case scenario you get killed by hail, best case your fancy car gets ruined by hail when you move to Oregon.
7. Devils lettuce everywhere
Unless you’ve been living in a cave, then you’re probably aware that Oregon recently legalized marijuana for recreational use. That’s right, the devil’s lettuce is everywhere in Oregon. Hide your kids, hide you grandma, because marijuana will literally suck your soul and destroy everything and everyone you love.
If you’re not afraid of this plant, move to Oregon and you will see with your own two eyes just how destructive it’s been to our once charming communities. Oregon was once a nice, charming place to live until the evil marijuana plants took over. You’ve been warned.
8. Everybody in Oregon drives really slow
Speaking of grandmas, not only do Oregonians drive slower than your 90 year old grandma, but they don’t know how to drive at all. They don’t know how to merge, and they love to drive 50mph in the fast lane. It’s almost like they do it intentionally, they know you have somewhere to go in a hurry, but they are laughing while they make sure you can’t pass them.
9. Everyone here is all all earthy and shit
Seriously, dirty hippies everywhere. The 60s never died in Oregon. The other day I bought a $12 smoothie in Eugene for lunch. It was green like slime, all earthy and shit. I literally drank a whole garden in a cup, and there’s just something really weird about that. My body was super confused, like I was full but my belly didn’t ache. Trust me, this was not a good experience. All this hippity dippity healthy nonsense. Who eats their meal in a smoothie? What the hell does gluten free even mean? Not to mention all these Oregon hippies smell like patchouli oil. If you’re not a fan of patchouli oil, then you’ll probably be disgusted when you move here, because this nasty stench is everywhere you go.
10. Everyone in Oregon is obsessed with nature
Face it, nature sucks. Who the hell in their right mind would want to sleep on on the dirt? It’s cold, it’s bumpy, and instead of sleeping in your warm bed at home you’ll be sleeping in some creepy forest with creatures lurking in the night. If you don’t like camping, well all your new Oregon buddies will, and let’s just be honest here — Oregon is definitely not for you. Oregonians have lost their minds, they all love to do “fun” activities outdoors, like hiking, and rock climbing.
Why would anybody go climb a rock? Also, you could easily get eaten by a mountain lion while camping in Oregon. Mountain lions aren’t only wild in our forests, they run the streets here. If you come to Oregon and the big quake doesn’t kill you, a mountain lion will most likely eat you.
11. Thugs everywhere
Mountain lions aren’t the only animals running the streets in Oregon. I got two words for you. White boys. You think you’re hard? You haven’t seen nothin’ yet til you come to Oregon. These white boys here don’t mess around, if a mountain lion doesn’t eat you you’ll most likely get robbed and left for dead by some white gangstas in the hardest suburbs of Oregon.
12. You’ll probably end up homeless
Let’s face it, jobs in Oregon are scarce. And if there are jobs, they are already taken. So when you move here, prepare to figure out where you can pitch a tent because your ass is most likely going to end up on the streets. I said tent because people here live in tents wherever they please. We literally have camps all over towns like Eugene. We’ve already established how much camping sucks in the woods, but imagine camping next to homeless heroin junkies. That will probably be you if you move here, sleeping next to junkies. So you should probably invest in a good tent before you come to Oregon.
13. Everyone here is just nuts
Not only are there freaks everywhere, but its a known fact in Oregon they cut funding to all the mental homes back in the day, so as a result there are just crazy people roaming the streets everywhere you go here. You ever seen that movie One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest starring Jack Nicholson? I bet you didn’t know they filmed that here in Salem. All those crazy people that used to be in the loony bin now just roam the streets of Oregon. Just think about it for a minute. Crazy people. Crazy people everywhere.
14. You don’t have a shot in hell with an Oregon girl
That’s cute, you use moisturizer to keep your skin nice and healthy. Just a heads up pretty boy, Oregon girls will skin you alive. They like to hunt wild animals, catch fish, and some of them even chew tobacco. I once knew an Oregon girl who killed a grizzly bear with her bare hands. If you do none of these things, well sorry slick you just don’t have what it takes to impress an Oregon girl. Oregon girls aren’t like the girls you know back home. Oregon girls like men who get dirty and stuff, and I’m betting your hands are softer than a baby’s butt. To put it simply, Oregon girls are just too badass for you.
Still want to move to Oregon? Don’t say I didn’t warn you, this place is truly the worst place you could ever move to. I know what you’re thinking, oh this article only applies to the west side of Oregon. Well sure, you could move to Eastern Oregon. But just so you know Eastern Oregon is really just one big desert. You think Oregonians are crazy in the west? Ever seen that movie The Hills Have Eyes? You won’t need to worry as much about the meth heads in Eastern Oregon, you’ll come face to face with real life cannibals, just like in that creepy movie. Again you’re just a transplant here, so if a cannibal doesn’t eat you some crazy inbred person will probably wear your skin for decoration before they bury you in the middle of the hot desert.