Satire

Tina Kotek Announces All Oregon Lawn Mowers Now Considered Vehicles, Requires License Plates

SALEM — Governor Tina Kotek has signed what critics are calling “Oregon’s most ambitious piece of lawn equipment legislation in history,” officially classifying all lawn mowers — riding, push, gas, electric, or otherwise — as motor vehicles under state law. The new measure, which goes into effect...

Scientists Baffled By Old Boat Guy’s Heat Wave Popularity Spike

PORTLAND, Ore. — As Oregon heads into another triple-digit heat wave, scientists say they are mystified by a seasonal phenomenon known only as Old Boat Guy’s Popularity Spike. According to local marina records, the silver-haired man whose first name no one can agree on experiences an exponential...

Oregonians Tired of Complaining About Heat, Anxiously Await Return of Rain and Existential Dread

PORTLAND, OR — After enduring what locals are calling “three straight months of Satan’s armpit,” Oregonians are now counting the days until the sun finally gives up and the state can return to its natural climate of damp misery, seasonal depression, and awkward coffee shop small talk about how...

American Eagle Under Fire for New Ad Featuring Trump Looking Hot in Jeans

President Donald J. Trump has once again ignited cultural warfare, this time by modeling jeans. The internet is melting down over American Eagle’s latest ad campaign, which features the sitting president reclined seductively in full denim with the tagline:“Donald Trump Has Great Jeans.” The ad,...

10 Tips on How to Immediately Derail the Portland Talk After Admitting You’re From Oregon

So you’ve made the rookie mistake. You told someone you’re from Oregon. You were just trying to be polite. Maybe you thought they’d ask about Crater Lake or comment on how green everything is. But instead, their eyes lit up and they launched straight into the vortex: “Ohhhh... Portland, huh?...
Oregon Bans Conservatives

Oregon Bans Conservatives

SALEM, OR — In a move hailed by absolutely no one outside the Portland metro area, Oregon lawmakers have officially banned conservatives from residing in the state, citing “vibe mismatch” and “continued misuse of the word ‘woke.’” The emergency legislation, passed...

X