NOGALES, AZ — Migrants attempting to cross the U.S.-Mexico border fled in confusion and terror this week after federal agents deployed a towering AI-generated hologram of former President Donald Trump riding a bald eagle, sources confirmed. Witnesses say the...
LOS ANGELES, CA — Gleaming like a freshly waxed Tesla and strutting with the confidence of a man who just cured drought with cucumber water, California Governor Gavin Newsom made headlines Monday after addressing statewide unrest from the steamy comfort of a rooftop...
PORTLAND, OR — History was made this weekend at the Rocky Mountain Regional Hair-Off when 29-year-old Cassidy “Cactus” McBride strutted away with the coveted Best Chest in the West trophy—despite fierce competition from local lumberjacks, bass players, and at least...
“It’s time I lived my values,” says local man as he sets out organic snacks and fair trade matches. PORTLAND, OR — Declaring that “true solidarity means flammability,” local activist Caleb Renner has officially invited a group of protesters to peacefully burn his...
UNITED STATES — In a stunning revelation that rocked suburban malls across America, thousands of teens born after 2005 were reportedly shocked to discover that Nirvana is not, in fact, a clothing brand exclusively sold at Hot Topic. “I just thought it was like Vans or...
I’m writing to you with trembling fingers and a heart full of reclaimed anxiety. I need help. Not the kind of help you get from a therapist (I already have two of those), but the kind you get from a trusted Oregon-based lifestyle blog with a passive-aggressive...
PALM BEACH, FL — After years of public praise, private DMs, and the occasional awkward photo op, former President Donald J. Trump and tech billionaire Elon Musk have officially filed for divorce, ending what many believed to be the most chaotic power couple in modern...
SALEM, OR — With Oregon bracing for what forecasters are calling a “long, dry, sweat-stained summer,” local man Greg Landers is getting a head start on the statewide suffering after his car’s AC gave up the ghost before June even had the decency to hit 90. “My AC...
PORTLAND, OR — In what friends are calling a “quiet but revolutionary act of vulnerability,” Portland resident Brandon Kepler, 29, recently came out as heterosexual — a decision he says has been “years in the making.” Kepler made the announcement in the safety of his...
OREGON — A beloved Oregon hiking trail once known only to a handful of locals, several deer, and one suspiciously territorial raccoon has now been declared “completely over” after being featured in the debut episode of influencer Sage Emberly’s new video series,...
PORTLAND, OR — In a bold new move that critics are calling “deeply Portland” and supporters are calling “like, super healing,” city leaders have announced a sweeping initiative to phase out the word “police” entirely and replace the Portland Police Bureau with a newly...
PORTLAND, OR — In a groundbreaking move hailed by city leaders as a “compassion-centered innovation,” Portland has officially replaced its overwhelmed 911 emergency response system with a calming AI assistant programmed to repeatedly say, “That must have been scary.”...