BENTONVILLE, AR — In a somber press conference held just steps from the seasonal bin of half-melted phone chargers, Walmart executives issued a stark warning Monday: rising tariffs on Chinese imports may severely disrupt the company’s ability to stock products...
Satire
That Oregon Life Declared State’s Most Reliable News Source After Accidentally Predicting Reality
SALEM, Ore. — In a development no one saw coming—except maybe That Oregon Life itself—the popular Oregon-based satire and lifestyle site has officially been declared the most reliable news source in the state, after yet another one of its “clearly made-up” articles...
New Bra Drop Zones Encourage Hikers to ‘Let the Girls Breathe’ at 4,000 Feet
BEND, OR — In an effort to support Oregon’s most sacred mountaintop ritual — the spontaneous act of lifting one’s shirt dramatically at the summit — the U.S. Forest Service has unveiled newly designated Bra Drop Zones at popular hiking trails across the state. “These...
New Final Destination In Theaters, but 90s Kids Still White-Knuckling Steering Wheels Behind Logging Trucks Say “Absolutely Not”
Bend, OR — The long-awaited legacy sequel Final Destination: Bloodlines is now terrifying audiences in theaters nationwide, reigniting a very specific trauma among 90s kids: the paralyzing fear of being pulverized by airborne lumber on the freewa “I haven’t driven...
Dad Knows It’s Time to Let Go, Yet Folds the Boxers and Gently Returns Them to the Drawer
Boring, Oregon – In a quiet act of denial witnessed by absolutely no one, 52-year-old Brian Cutler stood motionless over his laundry basket Monday afternoon, clutching a pair of severely compromised boxers he’s owned since the Bush administration. The boxers,...
Man Stares Blankly as Wife Introduces 86th Plant This Year
SWEET HOME, OR — Sources confirmed Wednesday that local husband Dave Ellsworth stood motionless and dead-eyed as his wife, Amanda, held up yet another leafy green stranger and announced, “Everyone say hi to Juniper!” It was the 86th time this year. Dave, who hasn’t...
People You Regret Voting For Hold Emergency Session to Dream Up Taxes That Don’t Exist Yet but Probably Should
In a move that perfectly embodies everything you feared after the election but told yourself to “wait and see,” the people you now deeply regret voting for held an emergency meeting today—not to fix potholes, homelessness, or anything remotely useful—but to invent...
Bigfoot Joins Tinder, Women Ditch Their Men After Reading: ‘I Chop Wood and Disappear Like Your Dad’
HOOD RIVER, OR — In what experts are calling the most emotionally devastating swipe in Oregon history, Bigfoot has officially joined Tinder with a bio so powerful it has women across the Pacific Northwest dumping their boyfriends mid-swipe. The bio in question?“I chop...
New Club “Granny Grinders” Opens in Oregon With 65+ Dancers, Bingo, and Zero Teeth Required
Springfield, OR — Residents were once again left clutching their pearls this week after hearing rumors about yet another offbeat strip club opening in their neighborhood — but this time, it’s not pregnant women causing a stir. It’s grandmothers. The new establishment,...
Goodwill Boutique Staff Confused Why Poor People Keep Trying to Shop There
NEWPORT, OR — Staff at the Goodwill Boutique on Cape & Donation Center are reportedly “deeply puzzled” by the steady stream of financially struggling people who keep showing up under the false assumption that this is a place for affordable clothing — rather than a...
Costco Shopper with Blinker On Willing to Die for That One Spot Near the Cart Corral Occupied by Woman Buckling Three Kids into Minivan
EUGENE, OR — In a scene that has become all too familiar in the notoriously congested parking lot of Eugene's Costco, a local man was observed steadfastly waiting with his blinker on for a prime parking spot near the cart corral, despite the current occupant—a woman...
New Oregon Law Requires Fish to Verbally Consent Before Being Caught
PORTLAND, OR — In a landmark decision for aquatic rights, Oregon lawmakers have passed legislation requiring anglers to obtain verbal consent from fish before attempting to catch them. House Bill 4042, known officially as the “Hooked on Consent Act,” was signed into...