Satire

Costco Unveils 470 lbs Rotisserie Chicken in Oregon, Forklifts Now Available at Checkout

SALEM, OR — In a bold new move to secure its place as America’s favorite bulk-buying utopia, Costco has unveiled its most jaw-dropping creation yet: a 470-pound rotisserie chicken that promises to feed an entire neighborhood, or one very determined uncle during football season. Currently being...

Bigfoot Cancels Oregon Appearances, Explains “Can’t Afford to Be Spotted Here Anymore”

OREGON — After centuries of mysterious sightings, blurry photos, and grainy VHS documentaries, Bigfoot has officially canceled all future appearances in Oregon, citing skyrocketing living costs as the final straw. “Look, I’ve been dodging hikers, hunters, and tabloids for decades,” Bigfoot told...

Kotek Unveils ‘Wheel of New State Taxes’ After Funds Vanish Into Oregon’s Black Hole

SALEM, OR — With Oregon’s budget once again disappearing into what experts are calling “a large cosmic anomaly in Salem,” Governor Tina Kotek proudly unveiled her brand-new “Wheel of New State Taxes” at a press conference Thursday. The massive carnival-style wheel, adorned with bizarre new revenue...

Study Confirms Campfire Smoke’s Primary Function Is Following That One Guy No Matter Where He Sits

In a groundbreaking revelation sure to devastate campers nationwide, researchers at the Institute of Outdoors Nuisance Studies confirmed Thursday that 100% of campfire smoke exists solely to stalk whichever poor bastard thought he was safe sitting by the fire. The peer-reviewed study, published in...

Portland Police Promise Faster Response Times if You Agree to Commit Crime Closer to the Station

PORTLAND, OR — In an effort to address skyrocketing 911 response times, the Portland Police Bureau announced today that residents can now shave hours off their wait by committing crimes within walking distance of a precinct. “Look, we’re stretched thin,” said a spokesperson while unlocking his...
Bend Woman Catches 7-Foot Crawdad in Deschutes River

Bend Woman Catches 7-Foot Crawdad in Deschutes River

BEND, Ore. — In what officials are calling “either a miracle or a minor kaiju sighting,” a Bend woman has reportedly reeled in a 7-foot-long crawdad from the Deschutes River. Sarah Lynn Haverford, 33, said she was enjoying a peaceful afternoon by the river when she...

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