If it feels like Oregon is charging you for the very air you breathe, that’s because they probably just haven’t figured out how to meter it yet. After the freshly announced $10 parking fee at Vista House, Oregon State Parks has unveiled its boldest plan yet: slapping...
Satire
Report: Some People Are Dying
In what experts are calling “technically not new, but still sort of a bummer,” reports are surfacing that some people, in fact, are dying. The revelation has stunned absolutely no one, yet continues to be treated as breaking news by local relatives who “can’t believe...
Eugene Federal Building Hosts Fall’s Most Exclusive Umbrella Fashion Week
EUGENE, Ore. — Fall fashion week found an unlikely stage Tuesday night as the Eugene Federal Building transformed into the runway for a daring new streetwear collection featuring oversized black umbrellas, tactical accents, and bold percussion on government-issued...
Experts Confirm Portland The Gayest City, Seattle Demands Recount
PORTLAND, OR — After years of speculation, arguments at Pride festivals, and bitter rainbow flag one-upmanship, a panel of travel magazine experts officially declared Portland the gayest city in America this week. Within hours, Seattle immediately demanded a recount,...
Portland Dude Explains That Coffee “Just Hits Different” When Leaves Are Crunchy Outside
PORTLAND, OR — Pausing mid-sip of his single-origin espresso, a tattooed, bearded local man in a plain white tee confirmed Friday that coffee “just hits different” when the leaves outside are crunchy. “This is the season I train for,” said the man, seated at his usual...
Grandpa’s Drinking Buddies Remain Skeptical of His New Man Bun
PRINEVILLE, OR — Tension gripped the corner booth at Rusty’s Tap & Grill Thursday evening as a group of lifelong drinking companions reportedly struggled to come to terms with local grandfather Walt Peterson’s brand-new man bun. The 76-year-old, known for his...
Seasonal Depression Season Returns As Oregon Once Again Slips Into Eternal Darkness
PORTLAND, OR — The Beaver State confirmed this week that Seasonal Depression Season has officially returned as Oregon once again slips into eternal darkness, a ritual as dependable as rain, moss, and Subaru Outbacks with coexist stickers. While Oregonians technically...
Trump Orders Maps Updated To Show Portland As “Poop” Starting Monday
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Declaring that Portland had “become a total disaster, maybe the worst in history,” President Donald Trump announced Friday that all official U.S. maps will be updated to replace the name Portland with the word Poop, effective Monday. “They’ve ruined...
Portland Launches New “Adopt-a-Screamer” Program to Pair Residents With Their Favorite Downtown Yeller
PORTLAND, Ore. — In a bold new effort to “humanize the chaos,” Portland officials have announced the launch of the city’s first-ever Adopt-a-Screamer program, allowing residents to form lasting bonds with their favorite downtown sidewalk shouters. The initiative,...
Oregon, Washington, California Form Alliance To Always Do Exact Opposite Of Poll Results
WEST COAST — In a groundbreaking ceremony held simultaneously in Salem, Olympia, and Sacramento, the governors of Oregon, Washington, and California proudly announced a new “People’s Anti-Will Alliance,” vowing to make policy decisions that directly contradict...
Costco Unveils 470 lbs Rotisserie Chicken in Oregon, Forklifts Now Available at Checkout
SALEM, OR — In a bold new move to secure its place as America’s favorite bulk-buying utopia, Costco has unveiled its most jaw-dropping creation yet: a 470-pound rotisserie chicken that promises to feed an entire neighborhood, or one very determined uncle during...
Bigfoot Cancels Oregon Appearances, Explains “Can’t Afford to Be Spotted Here Anymore”
OREGON — After centuries of mysterious sightings, blurry photos, and grainy VHS documentaries, Bigfoot has officially canceled all future appearances in Oregon, citing skyrocketing living costs as the final straw. “Look, I’ve been dodging hikers, hunters, and tabloids...