In a bold move sure to shake up Oregon’s political landscape, former House Minority Leader Christine Drazan has publicly confirmed what many suspected: she is, in fact, into men. The announcement, which came alongside a $55,000 payment to Republican polling firm...
SPRINGFIELD, OR — Sources confirm local man David Palmer spent Thursday evening perfecting the art of marital non-listening, offering a steady stream of “mm-hmms” during his wife’s 14-minute monologue about the Hendersons next door while simultaneously wheezing with...
In a rare moment of bipartisan unity, Americans across the political spectrum confirmed this week that the $4.99 Costco rotisserie chicken is the only thing keeping the United States from plunging into complete and irreversible economic ruin. Economists say the...
SALEM — Governor Tina Kotek has signed what critics are calling “Oregon’s most ambitious piece of lawn equipment legislation in history,” officially classifying all lawn mowers — riding, push, gas, electric, or otherwise — as motor vehicles under state law. The new...
PORTLAND, Ore. — As Oregon heads into another triple-digit heat wave, scientists say they are mystified by a seasonal phenomenon known only as Old Boat Guy’s Popularity Spike. According to local marina records, the silver-haired man whose first name no one can agree...
PORTLAND, OR — After enduring what locals are calling “three straight months of Satan’s armpit,” Oregonians are now counting the days until the sun finally gives up and the state can return to its natural climate of damp misery, seasonal depression, and awkward coffee...
President Donald J. Trump has once again ignited cultural warfare, this time by modeling jeans. The internet is melting down over American Eagle’s latest ad campaign, which features the sitting president reclined seductively in full denim with the tagline:“Donald...
So you’ve made the rookie mistake. You told someone you’re from Oregon. You were just trying to be polite. Maybe you thought they’d ask about Crater Lake or comment on how green everything is. But instead, their eyes lit up and they launched straight into the vortex:...
OREGON — A brutally honest report from the Institute of Sad Outcomes has named five small Oregon towns where the odds of a child growing up into a full-blown loser are, frankly, too high to ignore. Factors included crime rates, dropout data, vape-related ER visits,...
BEND, Ore. — In what officials are calling “either a miracle or a minor kaiju sighting,” a Bend woman has reportedly reeled in a 7-foot-long crawdad from the Deschutes River. Sarah Lynn Haverford, 33, said she was enjoying a peaceful afternoon by the river when she...
BEND, Ore. — In a turn of events that has left the Oregon high school sports world dazed and confused (and possibly inspired), 42-year-old Trent Lawson of Bend has not only declared himself a 17-year-old high school junior but also quarterbacked the Roosevelt Ridge JV...
UNITED STATES — A new report published by the International Institute of Absolutely Unnecessary Safety Measures (IIAUSM) has confirmed what many suspected but dared not say out loud: the man driving alone in his car while fully masked and gloved is, statistically, the...