Satire

Bend Locals Say Fall Didn’t Officially Begin Until Patagonia Over Flannel Guy Walked Drake Park With Coffee

BEND, OR — Despite what the calendar claims, residents say autumn didn’t truly begin until a smug Bend man in Patagonia over flannel strutted through Drake Park this weekend, clutching a $7 latte like it was the Olympic torch of fall. Witnesses describe the moment as a defining seasonal shift....

Antifa and Troops Surprise Portland With Joint Block Party, Music by DJ Molotov

PORTLAND, OR — What began as a tense standoff outside Portland’s ICE building took an unexpected turn Saturday when Antifa activists and federal troops dropped their shields, rolled out a pair of Weber grills, and transformed the protest zone into a full-blown block party. Witnesses say the mood...

Portland Protesters Deploy “Operation Full Moon” as Naked Skydivers Descend on ICE Building

PORTLAND, OR — Portland protesters have once again raised the bar—and everything else—as they launched “Operation Full Moon,” a carefully coordinated display involving hundreds of naked skydivers raining down over the Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) building in Southeast Portland....

National Guard to Roll Into Portland Next Week, Locals Argue Over Who Gets to Tag Armored Vehicles First

PORTLAND, OR — With 166 Oregon National Guard members preparing to deploy to Portland next week, locals have already begun squabbling over who will earn the honor of being the first to spray-paint “ACAB” on the side of an armored vehicle. The dispute reportedly broke out at a neighborhood co-op...

City of Portland Absolutely Obliterated as Urban War Escalates

It’s been a long time coming. After years of jokes about endless protests, artisanal chaos, and bridges that seem to exist just to get spray-painted, Portland has finally fulfilled every wild exaggeration by spontaneously detonating into a massive fireball. The city is now a smoking crater that...
Report: Some People Are Dying

Report: Some People Are Dying

In what experts are calling “technically not new, but still sort of a bummer,” reports are surfacing that some people, in fact, are dying. The revelation has stunned absolutely no one, yet continues to be treated as breaking news by local relatives who “can’t believe...

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