PORTLAND, OR — In a bold new move that critics are calling “deeply Portland” and supporters are calling “like, super healing,” city leaders have announced a sweeping initiative to phase out the word “police” entirely and replace the Portland Police Bureau with a newly...
News
Welcome to our Oregon News category, where we bring you the latest and most relevant news stories from the beautiful state of Oregon. From the stunning Pacific coastline to the rugged Cascade Mountains, Oregon is home to a wealth of natural beauty, diverse communities, and exciting cultural events.
Portland Replaces 911 With AI That Soothes Callers by Saying “That Must Have Been Scary” On Repeat
PORTLAND, OR — In a groundbreaking move hailed by city leaders as a “compassion-centered innovation,” Portland has officially replaced its overwhelmed 911 emergency response system with a calming AI assistant programmed to repeatedly say, “That must have been scary.”...
Oregon Officials Consider Removing Girls from Girls’ Sports Teams
SALEM, Ore. (AP) — Oregon lawmakers are considering a controversial new proposal that would remove biological girls from girls’ sports teams in public schools and universities, a move supporters say is necessary to promote fairness, inclusivity, and “repair centuries...
Twelve Men Stabbed at Oregon Shelter with Five Hospitalized in Critical Condition
SALEM, Ore. — In yet another tragic reminder of Oregon’s growing public safety crisis, twelve men were stabbed at a Salem homeless shelter Sunday night — five of them now fighting for their lives in critical condition. The suspect? A 42-year-old man from Bend who...
Antifa Protester Grounded After Mom Finds Out He Skipped Chores for Riot Again
PORTLAND, OR — Chaos erupted in the Thompson household Wednesday evening when 19-year-old Antifa member Brayden Thompson was once again grounded after skipping his chores to attend a “Riot for Justice and Mild Property Damage” protest downtown. Brayden, a part-time...
Local Raccoon Escapes Oregon Zoo, Found Days Later Smoking Meth Behind Dollar Tree
BANDON, OR — In what authorities are calling “the least surprising twist in an already shocking investigation,” a raccoon that recently escaped from the embattled West Coast Game Park Safari was discovered Tuesday night hunched behind a Dollar Tree, clutching a meth...
Driver Pulled Over for Texting by Officer Actively Navigating Five Screens and a Taco Bell App
SPRINGFIELD, OR — A local woman was issued a citation for texting and driving Tuesday afternoon by a police officer who, according to witnesses, was simultaneously operating five separate electronic screens and finalizing a Taco Bell order with extra fire sauce. The...
Get Ready to Do the Truffle Shuffle! The Goonies 40th Anniversary Bash Is Coming to Astoria
Hey you guuuuys! Fire up your Data-style gadgets, pull out your map to One-Eyed Willy’s treasure, and grab a Baby Ruth because it’s time to head to Astoria, Oregon, for one of the most epic celebrations the Pacific Northwest has ever seen. June 5–8, 2025 marks the...
Welcome to West Coast Game Park Safari, Now With 100% More Firearms, Meth, and Over $1M in Cash
Just over a week after West Coast Game Park Safari in Bandon made headlines for appalling animal neglect and the seizure of over 300 animals, the story has taken an even more shocking turn. New evidence reveals that the park may have been a hub for serious criminal...
Northwesterners Eagerly Await That First Deep Breath of Campfire-Flavored Air
EVERYWHERE, PACIFIC NORTHWEST — As summer inches closer and the scent of dry pine needles crisps in the warming breeze, Northwesterners from Bellingham to Bend are reportedly giddy with anticipation for that magical first lungful of campfire-flavored doom. “Oh yeah,...
Butte Creek Fire Marks Oregon’s First Major Wildfire of 2025 as State Braces for Scorching Summer
WHEELER COUNTY, Ore. — The Butte Creek Fire has become Oregon’s first major wildfire of the 2025 season, erupting Sunday afternoon in northwest Wheeler County and growing rapidly overnight. As of Monday morning, the blaze has scorched an estimated 2,000 acres, a...
Extreme Centrist Portlander Avoids Detection After Perfecting Blank Stare During Political Rants
PORTLAND, OR — In a city where expressing even the slightest nuance can result in immediate social exile, local man Brian Callahan has reportedly survived another week in Portland without being outed as a moderate — thanks to a carefully rehearsed “blank, vaguely...