WORLDWIDE — As mysterious new viruses, natural disasters, and general chaos unfold across the globe, leading experts have announced that they are “fairly certain” this is the beginning of the End Times. Meanwhile, scientists remain adamant that it’s just another...
News
Welcome to our Oregon News category, where we bring you the latest and most relevant news stories from the beautiful state of Oregon. From the stunning Pacific coastline to the rugged Cascade Mountains, Oregon is home to a wealth of natural beauty, diverse communities, and exciting cultural events.
Jerry Garcia’s Ghost Found Running a Portland Dispensary—Still on a Really Long, Strange Trip
PORTLAND, OR — In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the local jam band community, customers at a small dispensary in Southeast Portland were stunned to discover that the laid-back, tie-dye-clad man behind the counter isn’t just a Jerry Garcia lookalike—he...
GoFundMe Created for Husband Who Thought Telling Wife to Calm Down Was a Good Idea
In what’s being dubbed “the most expensive two words ever spoken,” a local man has launched a GoFundMe after making the rookie mistake of telling his wife to “calm down” during a heated discussion about reorganizing the pantry. “It just slipped out,” the man, now...
Eugene Voted Most Likely to Smell Like Weed Before 9 AM
In a nationwide study that absolutely no one asked for, Eugene, Oregon, has taken home the prestigious title of “Most Likely to Smell Like Weed Before 9 AM.” The study, conducted by the National Scent Awareness Coalition (NSAC), found that 87% of residents and...
Portland Tesla Owner Remembers to Leave Tesla at Home Before Protesting Tesla
PORTLAND, Ore. — In what might be the most Portland thing ever, local resident and proud Tesla owner Trevor Greenfield made headlines on Saturday after momentarily driving his $60,000 Tesla Model 3 to the "Tesla Takedown" protest outside a Portland dealership—only to...
Tired Couple Thanks Motel for Nostalgic Cigarette Scent in ‘Charming Vintage Room’
After a grueling 12-hour road trip filled with endless stretches of highway and way too many gas station hot dogs, Mark and Susan Reynolds were looking forward to a peaceful night’s rest. What they didn’t expect was a “charming vintage experience” that would transport...
Police Release Footage That Looks Like It Was Filmed on a Garage Sale Camcorder, Seek Tips
Newport, Oregon— Local police have proudly unveiled what they believe to be groundbreaking security footage in their ongoing investigation of a robbery suspect. The image, which has been described as "state-of-the-art" by Officer Daniels, features a vaguely...
French Press Seals the Deal, Leaving Woman Questioning All Her Past Relationships
In a shocking turn of caffeinated events, local woman Claire Thompson found herself reevaluating her entire romantic history after a first date that featured a French press. What began as an ordinary evening with Kyle Hastings, a 32-year-old marketing consultant and...
‘I’ve Got All-Season Tires,’ Says Portland Man Who Abandoned Car After 100 Feet of Snow Driving
In a scene that has become a winter tradition in Portland, local resident Trevor Whitaker set out in his car this morning with unshakable confidence and a can-do attitude, despite a forecast that screamed, "Stay home!" Like many of his fellow Portlanders, Trevor...
Confused Couple Disappointed to Find Crater Lake Doesn’t Look Like Post on Facebook
CRATER LAKE, OR — A couple visiting from out of state returned home Sunday after an "utterly underwhelming" trip to Crater Lake. Inspired by a Facebook post claiming Crater Lake was home to a stunning waterfall cascading into a glowing sapphire pool, surrounded by...
Authorities Warn: Tiny Drug Dealers Peddling ‘Thin Mints’ Laced with Addictive Substances
In what’s being described as a growing epidemic, local authorities have issued a warning about an alarming spike in community-wide addiction—this time, not from the usual suspects, but from a shadowy network of pint-sized pushers peddling a dangerous product known...
Road Rage Enthusiast Finds Peaceful Reflection Spot in Icy Ditch
Tailgating on icy roads doesn’t end well. Just ask the guy who passed you five minutes ago. The Road to Instant Karma—In a poetic twist of fate that would make even the grumpiest Oregonian crack a smile, a local truck enthusiast learned a valuable life lesson during...