Portland, OR – In what some are calling an act of divine intervention, local progressive and proud Kamala Harris supporter Jeremy Feldman returned to his parked Tesla Model 3 in downtown Portland on Tuesday night to find it completely intact—a statistical...
News
Welcome to our Oregon News category, where we bring you the latest and most relevant news stories from the beautiful state of Oregon. From the stunning Pacific coastline to the rugged Cascade Mountains, Oregon is home to a wealth of natural beauty, diverse communities, and exciting cultural events.
Man Narrowly Escapes Barista’s ‘So, Any Fun Plans Today?’ Over Garbage Mumble Rap Song
SPRINGFIELD, OR — A local man successfully executed a highly strategic window roll-up maneuver this morning, narrowly avoiding both an excessively friendly Dutch Bros barista and the ear-piercing bass of yet another shitty mumble rap track. Eyewitnesses report that...
Voted Best Place for Sunbathing, Oregon Coast Proudly Embraces its 1 Day of Summer
In a development that has surprised absolutely no one, the Oregon Coast has been voted the best place for sunbathing in 2025. The announcement was made by the Totally Legit Travel Awards committee, who, after an extensive survey of places with cold wind, relentless...
Cat’s Patience Wearing Thin as Litter Box Remains Uncleaned
SPRINGFIELD, OR — Local feline resident and self-proclaimed ruler of the household, Mr. Whiskers, is reportedly reaching his breaking point over the state of his litter box. Sources close to the cat say his patience is wearing thin as his human, Becky Thompson,...
Greater Idaho Plans Halted: “We Won’t Let The Devil’s Lettuce Corrupt Our Righteous State”
In a shocking yet somehow predictable turn of events, Idaho has officially pulled out of the Greater Idaho Movement, citing grave concerns over what officials have dubbed “the Devil’s Garden of Unholy Plants” festering just across the state line in Oregon. “We had a...
Forgotten Laundry Basket Scheduled for Relocation Delayed Due to Lack of Motivation
In a shocking turn of events, a forgotten laundry basket brimming with clean clothes has yet again failed to complete its journey from the living room to the bedroom, citing "lack of motivation" as the primary reason for the delay. The laundry basket, affectionately...
Portland’s 2025 Naked Bike Ride Cancelled After City Runs Out of Eye Bleach
In a shocking turn of events, Portland officials announced that this year’s highly anticipated Naked Bike Ride has been abruptly canceled after the city completely ran out of eye bleach. The shortage occurred just days before the annual event, leaving local residents...
Local Man Pauses Movie for 15th Time as Wife Continues to Narrate Plot Twist He Hasn’t Seen Yet
MORRISON, OR – Local man Jared Thompson, 34, was forced to hit the pause button for the fifteenth time last night after his wife, Emily Thompson, 32, insisted on providing a running commentary for a plot twist he hadn’t actually reached yet. The couple had decided to...
New Study Finds 97% of Hot Springs Nudists Have the Exact Body Type No One Wants to See Naked
A groundbreaking new study from the Oregon Institute of Unwanted Visuals has confirmed what most hot springs visitors already suspected: a shocking 97% of nudists have exactly the kind of body no one, under any circumstances, wants to see unclothed. The study, which...
Cougars on High Alert as Yet Another Human Wanders Into the Woods Without Common Sense
Cougars across Oregon are once again sounding the alarm as yet another human has wandered deep into the wilderness, completely unprepared and blissfully unaware of their surroundings. Local mountain lions, who have spent generations fine-tuning their survival...
Oregon Criminals Now Sentenced to ‘Naughty Time’ – No Recess Until They Learn Their Lesson
Oregon has once again led the way in groundbreaking criminal justice reform by introducing its newest and toughest sentencing policy yet: Naughty Time. Under this bold initiative, criminals will no longer be subjected to outdated punishments like jail time or parole....
“Go On Without Me,” Says Hiker Who Dramatically Sits on Rock, Three Minutes Into Hike
A MODERATELY DIFFICULT TRAIL, SOMEWHERE—What was supposed to be a refreshing morning hike quickly turned into a full-scale melodrama Saturday after local man Todd Reynolds, 44, dramatically collapsed onto a sunbaked rock just three minutes into the trail, breathlessly...