SPRINGFIELD, OREGON—Local residents can finally breathe a sigh of relief as city officials have approved the construction of two brand-new car washes, bringing the city’s already impressive total to way too many. With this latest addition, locals will have even more...
News
Welcome to our Oregon News category, where we bring you the latest and most relevant news stories from the beautiful state of Oregon. From the stunning Pacific coastline to the rugged Cascade Mountains, Oregon is home to a wealth of natural beauty, diverse communities, and exciting cultural events.
Oregon to Replace Stop Signs with ‘Gentle Suggestions’ to Avoid ‘Harmful Command Language’
‘Telling Cars When to Stop Is a Form of Road Privilege’ Oregon has officially banned stop signs in an effort to create a more inclusive and emotionally safe driving experience. According to the state’s Department of Transportation, the word “STOP” is simply too...
Trump Suggests Adding His Face to Mount Rushmore, Proposes ‘Executive Order’ to Expedite
In a move that shocked absolutely no one, President Donald Trump has reportedly suggested—and seemingly succeeded in—adding his face to Mount Rushmore, citing his "tremendous" accomplishments, "record-breaking presidency," and "undeniably perfect jawline." According...
Local Woman Proudly Shows Off ‘Check Engine’ Light That Has Been On Since 2018
Local woman Jessica Reynolds is beaming with pride after successfully keeping her car’s “Check Engine” light on for an impressive six years, setting what experts are calling a “remarkable new record in automotive neglect.” “I don’t even see it anymore,” Reynolds said,...
Small Town Officials Approve 8th Dollar General, Say ‘We’re Just Gonna Keep Going’
Residents of Pine Hollow, Oregon, barely had time to recover from the ribbon-cutting of their 7th Dollar General before town officials announced the construction of store #8—directly across the street. The decision, described by Mayor Tom Wilkins as “inevitable,” was...
Tesla Dealerships Now Patrolled by Robot Dogs That Breathe Fire
In a bold and completely normal security upgrade, Tesla has officially deployed fire-breathing robot dogs to patrol its dealerships nationwide. The flamethrower-equipped quadrupeds, affectionately dubbed "CyberHounds," have already proven to be highly effective at...
For Just $1,200, Couple Gets Exclusive Close-Up of Two Giants’ Backs for Entire Concert
PORTLAND, OR — Local couple Brian and Jessica Holloway were overjoyed to snag floor tickets to see their favorite band live, dropping a casual $1,200 for what they expected to be a magical night of music, love, and unforgettable memories. Instead, they spent the...
Oregon Meteorologists Just Throwing Darts at a Weather Map at This Point
Oregon meteorologists have officially given up. After a week that included sunshine, rain, and snow—sometimes all in the same afternoon—local weather forecasters admitted they are now just blindly throwing darts at a weather map and hoping for the best. “Look, we...
Fundraiser for Dane Paulsen’s Family Happening at Newport’s Chowder Bowl
The coastal community of Newport is coming together in support of the family of Dane Paulsen, the 2-year-old boy who tragically went missing earlier this month and was recently found in the Siletz River. As the Paulsen family navigates this heartbreaking loss, friends...
Oregon Court Upholds Measure 114, Stripping Gun Owners of Their Rights
PORTLAND, Ore. — In yet another attack on the Second Amendment, Oregon’s State Court of Appeals has ruled Measure 114 constitutional, setting the stage for one of the most restrictive gun control laws in the country to go into effect. Despite opposition from...
Forest Grove Police Seek Public’s Help in Locating Three Missing Children
The Forest Grove Police Department has identified the missing children as 7-year-old Jenessa Brunk, 7-year-old Haven Hinerman, and 9-week-old Declan Hinerman. Investigators say the children were taken from their home in Forest Grove and are believed to be with their...
Tragic Update: Lincoln County Sheriff Confirms Child’s Body Found in Siletz
Update (2:45pm): Since we originally reported on the discovery of a child’s body in Siletz, the Lincoln County Sheriff’s Office has now confirmed that the remains belong to missing toddler Dane Paulsen. Dane was found deceased in the Siletz River, approximately three...