SALEM, OR — In a shocking but somehow completely predictable Thanksgiving Day update, state transportation officials confirmed Thursday that roughly 50% of all traffic congestion on Interstate 5 can be traced back to a single silver Toyota Prius traveling at a...
BEND, OR — In a move city officials are calling “a natural evolution of our community’s identity,” Bend has officially begun requiring all new residents to report to City Hall within 48 hours of arrival to collect their mandatory puffy black Columbia jacket. The...
In what witnesses are calling “the most powerful photo op since the moon landing,” U.S. Secretary of Homeland Secretary Kristi Noem, ascended the roof of Portland’s ICE building Tuesday morning wearing a full superhero suit, striking a series of commanding poses...
PORTLAND, OR — In a shocking display of civic multitasking, Portland Police officers were spotted this week across from the ICE building… peacefully knitting scarves, baby blankets, potholders, and one extremely lumpy sweater while federal agents tackled protesters to...
PORTLAND, OR — After years of experimenting with tear gas, rubber bullets, and pepper spray, Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has apparently decided to step things up a notch. On Thursday night, officers stunned protesters outside Portland’s ICE facility by...
PORTLAND, OR — Freshly mobilized National Guard troops are already filing desperate reassignment requests after their first Portland briefing included photos from the city’s notorious World Naked Bike Ride. The “emergency ride,” hastily announced on social media by...
PORTLAND, OR — Forget “Stranger Things” and “Love Is Blind.” The hottest new reality series gripping America isn’t on Netflix, Hulu, or HBO—it's the nightly Portland ICE protests, streaming live on every platform where chaos can be uploaded in 4K. With a perfect blend...
BEND, OR — Despite what the calendar claims, residents say autumn didn’t truly begin until a smug Bend man in Patagonia over flannel strutted through Drake Park this weekend, clutching a $7 latte like it was the Olympic torch of fall. Witnesses describe the moment as...
PORTLAND, OR — What began as a tense standoff outside Portland’s ICE building took an unexpected turn Saturday when Antifa activists and federal troops dropped their shields, rolled out a pair of Weber grills, and transformed the protest zone into a full-blown block...
PORTLAND, OR — With 166 Oregon National Guard members preparing to deploy to Portland next week, locals have already begun squabbling over who will earn the honor of being the first to spray-paint “ACAB” on the side of an armored vehicle. The dispute reportedly broke...
It’s been a long time coming. After years of jokes about endless protests, artisanal chaos, and bridges that seem to exist just to get spray-painted, Portland has finally fulfilled every wild exaggeration by spontaneously detonating into a massive fireball. The city...
PORTLAND, OR — City officials are floating a bold new proposal to convert Portland’s controversial Immigration and Customs Enforcement building into an Airbnb, touting it as a potential goldmine of “luxury detention suites” and ironic tourist appeal. Under the plan,...