Humor

Kotek Unveils ‘Wheel of New State Taxes’ After Funds Vanish Into Oregon’s Black Hole

SALEM, OR — With Oregon’s budget once again disappearing into what experts are calling “a large cosmic anomaly in Salem,” Governor Tina Kotek proudly unveiled her brand-new “Wheel of New State Taxes” at a press conference Thursday. The massive carnival-style wheel, adorned with bizarre new revenue...

Study Confirms Campfire Smoke’s Primary Function Is Following That One Guy No Matter Where He Sits

In a groundbreaking revelation sure to devastate campers nationwide, researchers at the Institute of Outdoors Nuisance Studies confirmed Thursday that 100% of campfire smoke exists solely to stalk whichever poor bastard thought he was safe sitting by the fire. The peer-reviewed study, published in...

Oregon Man Dies Peacefully at DMV, Still Waiting for His Number

SALEM, OR — Local sources confirmed Tuesday that a Salem man died peacefully in his seat at the Oregon DMV, his skeleton still patiently waiting for its number to be called. Witnesses said the man, who had been waiting for more than six hours, quietly expired sometime between ticket numbers B42...

Oregon Named Worst State to Move To, Mostly Because Everyone Here Already Hates You

A new analysis ranking Oregon among the worst states to relocate to has shocked absolutely no one within Oregon’s borders, where the news was met with the kind of smug satisfaction usually reserved for hearing that your least favorite cousin moved back to Ohio. The study, conducted by a group of...

Local Man Now Glows in the Dark Like a Human Glow Stick After Swim in Willamette River

PORTLAND, Ore. — What started as a casual afternoon swim in the Willamette River ended with one local man unintentionally becoming Portland’s newest source of renewable energy. Witnesses say 34-year-old Derek Morrison emerged from the Kelly Point Park section of the river last Tuesday “radiating a...
Bend Woman Catches 7-Foot Crawdad in Deschutes River

Bend Woman Catches 7-Foot Crawdad in Deschutes River

BEND, Ore. — In what officials are calling “either a miracle or a minor kaiju sighting,” a Bend woman has reportedly reeled in a 7-foot-long crawdad from the Deschutes River. Sarah Lynn Haverford, 33, said she was enjoying a peaceful afternoon by the river when she...

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