ATLANTA, GA — In a groundbreaking new report released Friday, doctors from the National Institute of Realistic Health confirmed that individuals over the age of 36 are, in fact, technically still alive—though most are now operating in a permanent state of exhaustion,...
Humor
Local Meth Cook Gives Back by Providing Free ‘Science Lessons’ to Youth
EUGENE, OR — In an inspiring display of community spirit, local meth entrepreneur Travis "Sparky" Jenkins has announced a new initiative aimed at educating the next generation of scientists: free backyard "science lessons" for area youth. “I just want to give back,...
Joe Biden Spotted Casually Driving Ice Cream Truck Through Downtown Portland
PORTLAND, OR — In what city officials have described as "just another Tuesday," former President Joe Biden was spotted casually driving an old-school ice cream truck through downtown Portland this afternoon, smiling brightly and proudly holding up an ice cream cone to...
Weirdo Boldly Reads Newspaper in Public Instead of Mindlessly Doomscrolling Like the Rest of Us
PORTLAND, OR — In a bizarre scene that left passersby unsettled, a local weirdo was spotted yesterday morning sitting alone on a park bench downtown, openly reading a physical newspaper instead of doomscrolling his phone like a normal, emotionally fragile person....
Oregon Named Best State To Raise A Little Free-Range Anarchist With A Trust Fund
PORTLAND, OR — In news that surprised absolutely no one and disappointed absolutely everyone’s grandparents, Oregon has officially been named the best state to raise a little free-range anarchist with a trust fund. The groundbreaking report, issued by the National...
Parents Announce Baby Was Born Seed Oil-Free, Plan to Raise Him on Rainwater and Beef Tallow
PORTLAND, OR — In what health experts are calling "a medical miracle and/or a Facebook group fever dream," new parents Chad and Sage Turner of Forest Grove proudly announced that their newborn son, Braven, entered the world completely free of seed oils — a triumph...
New Study Finds 100% of Deer Crossing Roads Really Could Give a Crap Less
UNITED STATES — A groundbreaking new study has confirmed what drivers have long suspected: when it comes to crossing roads, 100% of deer really could give a crap less. Researchers at Oregon State University spent six months observing deer behavior on highways,...
Oregon Reassures Residents After Cyberattack: ‘Don’t Worry, Your Data’s Probably Fine, Maybe, Who Knows.’
SALEM, OR — After hackers dumped 1.3 million files from the Oregon Department of Environmental Quality onto the dark web, state officials quickly reassured the public with the kind of soothing, half-hearted optimism that has become an Oregon trademark: "Don't worry,...
Sources Confirm Neighborhood Child Might Even Go Outside This Weekend
U.S. — In a development no one saw coming, sources have confirmed that 12-year-old neighborhood resident Brandon Lunsford might actually go outside this weekend, sparking cautious optimism among local parents and wildlife experts alike. Brandon, best known for...
America Faces Crisis: No More Drunk 2AM Taco Runs as Jack in the Box Shutters Nationwide
U.S. — In a move described by many as a "direct attack on poor decision-making," Jack in the Box has announced the closure of dozens of its locations across the country, sending shockwaves through the nation’s drunk and deeply hungry population. Once hailed as the...
Sad: Oregon Creamery’s Full Tub of Ice Cream Now Just a Tiny Micro-Pint Thanks to Inflation
OREGON — In yet another crushing blow to dessert lovers and economic optimism, Oregon-based creamery Tillamaybe has officially replaced its iconic 48 oz ice cream tub with what it’s calling a "micro-pint" — a portion so small it legally qualifies as a sample. The...
Oregon Democrats Introduce Bill to Replace Axe Throwing With Safe Space Rubber Dart Toss
SALEM, OR — Concerned that the ancient, rugged art of axe throwing may be promoting toxic masculinity, Oregon Democrats have introduced a bold new bill that would ban the practice statewide and replace it with something more emotionally enriching: the Safe Space...