Humor

Netflix Doc About Woman Being Brutally Murdered in the Woods Helps Woman Regain Perspective on Mildly Crappy Life

BEND, OR — Letting out a long, cathartic exhale as blood-curdling screams echoed softly through her living room speakers, 36-year-old Shannon Marks reportedly felt a wave of emotional clarity Tuesday evening after watching a Netflix documentary about a woman who was brutally murdered in the woods....

Existential Dread Peaks as Woman Realizes It’s Time to Go to Walmart Again

SPRINGFIELD, OR — Local woman Kelly Harmon was reportedly enjoying a quiet Saturday morning, sipping coffee and pretending she didn’t have responsibilities, when a chill ran down her spine. “It hit me all at once,” she said, staring into the void. “We’re out of everything. And the only place open...

Local Woman Sips Warm White Claw, Finds Peace After Watching Flip-Flop Drift Off Into the Current

OREGON — It was supposed to be just another day of lazy tubing, questionable sunscreen application, and aggressively warm seltzers. But for one local woman, the universe had something deeper in store — a reckoning of the soul, delivered via footwear. Kayla Dunham, 31, was spotted laid out...

Migrants Flee After Federal Agents Project AI Trump Riding Eagle at Border

NOGALES, AZ — Migrants attempting to cross the U.S.-Mexico border fled in confusion and terror this week after federal agents deployed a towering AI-generated hologram of former President Donald Trump riding a bald eagle, sources confirmed. Witnesses say the projection—roughly 50 feet tall and...

Exclusive: Billionaire Power Couple Trump and Musk File For Divorce

PALM BEACH, FL — After years of public praise, private DMs, and the occasional awkward photo op, former President Donald J. Trump and tech billionaire Elon Musk have officially filed for divorce, ending what many believed to be the most chaotic power couple in modern American history. Court...
Oregon Officials Propose Setting Fire to Money Directly

Oregon Officials Propose Setting Fire to Money Directly

SALEM, OR — In a bold new plan, Oregon leaders say they have finally figured out how to fix all the state’s biggest problems: by taking a big pile of your tax money… and setting it on fire. Yes, seriously. Governor Tina Kotek recently announced another big idea to...

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