In a shocking turn of events, a forgotten laundry basket brimming with clean clothes has yet again failed to complete its journey from the living room to the bedroom, citing "lack of motivation" as the primary reason for the delay. The laundry basket, affectionately...
In a shocking turn of events, Portland officials announced that this year’s highly anticipated Naked Bike Ride has been abruptly canceled after the city completely ran out of eye bleach. The shortage occurred just days before the annual event, leaving local residents...
MORRISON, OR – Local man Jared Thompson, 34, was forced to hit the pause button for the fifteenth time last night after his wife, Emily Thompson, 32, insisted on providing a running commentary for a plot twist he hadn’t actually reached yet. The couple had decided to...
A groundbreaking new study from the Oregon Institute of Unwanted Visuals has confirmed what most hot springs visitors already suspected: a shocking 97% of nudists have exactly the kind of body no one, under any circumstances, wants to see unclothed. The study, which...
Oregon has once again led the way in groundbreaking criminal justice reform by introducing its newest and toughest sentencing policy yet: Naughty Time. Under this bold initiative, criminals will no longer be subjected to outdated punishments like jail time or parole....
A MODERATELY DIFFICULT TRAIL, SOMEWHERE—What was supposed to be a refreshing morning hike quickly turned into a full-scale melodrama Saturday after local man Todd Reynolds, 44, dramatically collapsed onto a sunbaked rock just three minutes into the trail, breathlessly...
Your City, USA — In a shocking turn of events that directly contradicts everything seen on television and social media, a local grocery store was reportedly filled with ordinary people shopping peacefully, with zero political arguments, ideological confrontations, or...
A man in downtown Portland, spotted waving a machete in the air and passionately arguing with a lamppost, appears to be in dire need of a hug, according to multiple witnesses who observed the situation with a mix of concern and understanding. "He wasn't really...
A groundbreaking study from the University of Oregon has confirmed what longtime residents have long suspected: Oregon is officially the worst place on Earth to exist during the month of February. “It’s essentially like living inside a wet sock,” said Dr. Philip...
PORTLAND, OR – As Oregon remains firmly locked in its annual five-month-long “Gray Gloom Death Spiral,” residents are reporting extreme cases of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), with some even exhibiting plant-like behaviors in desperate attempts to absorb any...
In a bold and completely baffling creative decision, the producers of Goonies 2 have announced that the film’s soundtrack will be composed entirely of Corey Feldman’s music. But rather than being used to enhance the adventure and nostalgia of the long-awaited sequel,...
WORLDWIDE — As mysterious new viruses, natural disasters, and general chaos unfold across the globe, leading experts have announced that they are “fairly certain” this is the beginning of the End Times. Meanwhile, scientists remain adamant that it’s just another...